Odd Things

I have really been thinking of George a lot today. My heart is just so heavy missing him and all that he brought to my life. Almost every second of the day I have had to fight back tears as I sat here thinking of him. The smallest things can trigger the tears and there are so many odd things that just remember him or that I can't do out of fear of repeating these things something bad will happen.

My aunt had brought up these different bakery items and one was a chocolate cake with icing. Ok I know it sounds stupid but the minute I tasted it I thought of him and just felt like crying. The day before he died was Hugh's birthday and we had made him a chocolate cake with vanilla icing! That night Hugh and I both gave him a taste of that birthday cake. Little did we know it would be the only birthday cake he ever tasted...he never got to live to even have his first one himself. The very next day he was dead. I still find some odd solace in knowing that we gave him that cake and he got to taste it at some point in his short life.

Today Hugh asked me to run him up his lunch to work since he forgot it. I didn't hesitate to go because I felt the need to stop at Wendy's and get the same lunch I would get when I was pregnant with him. I would always get a bacon cheese burger with a baked potato and iced tea. Now for some odd reason I find comfort in eating that same meal when I miss him the most. That was the time when he was safe and life was so different and good.

Some of the odd things I refuse to do now are also kind of odd. During my pregnancy with Gabrielle I had no problem wearing the pajama pants and robe that I wore the day George died. After Gabby was born I could not ever bring myself to wear them ever again. It was kind of like if I wore them they would bring me the bad luck that I had that morning so they went into the trash because looking at them would make me cry. Right before he died I had joined a yoga group and for the life of me I cannot bring myself to do that either. Part of me wants nothing to do with the things directly prior to his death like in some odd way avoiding them will stop it from happening again or that the pain will stop.

After talking to many other moms, I know I am not alone...this is apparently very common and something that we all cope with on a daily basis. Many of the mom's tell me that these days leading up to his birthday are worse than the day of and that often times the anticipation of it all is worse than the day. I don't really know how true that is but I do have to say that this year has actually been harder than the first year for me. Somehow you trudge through the first year and people understand and remember them and feel it is ok to still miss them but once you are past that year mark it is like he doesn't mean as much to others like he does to us. That is such a hard thing and also that the shock has totally worn off and the pain is real and there is no escape from any of it. I would deal with the first year before I would ever live through the second like this. In the beginning it hurts really bad but as time goes on and it doesn't consume your ever waking moment like it does the first few weeks, time goes on but you don't acknowledge that pain as much as you did before so when it hits, it hits hard. Please keep us all in your prayers and also the other parents who walk this path every single day just like we do.

He Only Took My Hand

Last night while I was trying to sleep,

My son’s voice I did hear,

I opened my eyes and looked around,

But he did not appear.

He said, “Mom, you’ve got to listen,

You’ve got to understand,

God didn’t take me away from you,

He only took my hand.

When I called out in pain that day,

The moment that I died,

He reached down and took my hand,

And pulled me to His side.

He pulled me up and saved me

From the misery and pain.

My body was hurt so badly,

I could never be the same.

My search is really over now,

I’ve found happiness within,

All the answers to my empty dreams

And all that might have been.

I love you mom and miss you so,

And I’ll always be nearby.

My body’s gone forever,

But my spirit will never die.

And so, you must all go on now,

And live, and understand…

God did not take me from you,

He only took my hand.”

Just Amazed

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=250770838278630&view=wall&notif_t=event_wall

So often I am amazed at how God uses something so horrible in such a positive way. As you know we have asked people to help celebrate his life with us on his birthday which is a little over a week away on Sept 9th. The Facebook page I have created has almost 400 people as definite participants. Seeing the number increasing is so exciting for us all and helps us to know there is some validity to our pain. Somehow seeing God work through others in memory of George is such a great gift and helps our hurting hearts to smile through the pain of his loss.

I cannot tell you how hard it is to be a mom with a child in heaven and not be able to plan a birthday party for that child ever. My heart breaks to think I should be planning a party and watching my son walk around playing with his siblings. All of the kids get so excited for their birthdays because I have always made a big deal of them. We may struggle for things but there is one thing that I always make special and that is their birthdays. They mean so much to me as their mother and knowing the special gift I was given the day they were born and I remember the excitement I had as a kid since it was the day I was celebrated and the center of attention. To never be able to plan a party for George is so hard for me since they mean so much.

I watch as my sister plans my nieces first birthday and how they have struggled to figure out what they want to do and how they don't want to make a big deal and yet they do. For me I always made a big deal of the kids birthdays but even more so since George died. I never know if it will be the last time I celebrate with them and even though it can be considered a waste of money because they don't remember it, I will have to say it never is in my opinion. Having never got to plan a party for my son showed me how ever minute counts and how regretful I would be if I had not done some of the things with him I did.

People thought it was stupid that I made a big deal out of Christmas for a little boy who didn't know anything but I can't tell you how grateful I am that I didn't listen to those who voiced their opinion on this...we didn't give him a ton of stuff but I made sure he had a good Christmas too and I thank God every single day that I did that. I now live as if each day were my last and ignore those who have their own opinions about what I should and shouldn't do...they have not walked my shoes and it isn't their opinion that matters, it is my life and I will live it the way I feel is right. I would give anything to have been able to celebrate a birthday with my little boy here and not have to find some other way to have to celebrate his life like I do now and forever I will have to keep it all together on that weekend although every part of me wants to die.

All that said, I still have to find a way to celebrate his life and the gift he was to our family and this year I just felt acts of kindness were the way to go. So often I am disappointed in others and how things in my life are really not that important to them or they get tired of hearing about our son who is now dead. I didn't want to feel that way and put in all this effort like I did last year to only have a handful of the same people show in support. By doing it this way I am not hurt even more by those I thought would be supportive but aren't and I get to know in my heart that he knows we love him and that this way he can touch more lives and our suffering has meaning to it. I cannot buy him gifts or celebrate the way I would like to but we can give gifts to others and I cannot think of a better way to show the unconditional love we had for him. Every time I look at the page my heart smiles a little more and this is my way of planning his birthday party and a grand one with tons of people involved, even those who didn't know him. It is so reassuring when someone we don't even know leaves a message encouraging us and telling us how they are going to participate. I'd be lying if I said I didn't NEED that to push through the days sometimes. It just amazes me how so many people have found a place in their hearts for my little monkey.

I miss his beautiful smile and giggles the most. My heart just aches to have them back but I know that is not possible. The other day Richard and I were talking about George and he was telling me how much his therapy helped him and that he asked me to go for myself. I told him I was already working on it but I sat there in awe looking at my son as he expressed his faith and how he felt God was speaking to his heart to become a counselor and help other kids who have lived through such traumatic incidents as he has in his life. He told me about how much his little brother means to him and how he feels he has been walking the steps of grief and how anniversaries are hard for him and how meaningful the things we do as a family have been and helped him through his pain. I didn't realize how much my thoughts and feelings influence him and how by doing positive things even though they are hard to do, have helped him through all of the hard things. He is such an amazing person and I have never been prouder of someone. Dispite all we have been through there are days I am amazed at God's works in our lives and in the lives of those around us through the death of one small little boy. No matter the outcome of anything I would not change having him to not feel this pain so I will forever carry this gladly and proudly as his mom and thank God for him every single day!

Panic Attacks

All I can say is panic attacks are so horrible to have to live with. For me they were never an issue until George died and the months following they were just horrible. Once Gabrielle was born, I chose to stop breastfeeding so that I could take medication to help me with those attacks. They now only happen randomly but when they hit they hit hard!

Last night Hugh's voice just sent me down that road again. The cold water in the shower was on but the sound in his voice was that sound that was in his voice that horrible morning. I started to panic and went looking for him to only find him content taking a shower not realizing the power of just the sound of his voice has on my poor hear and mind. Once I found him and checked all the kids I just lost it. I sat in the bathroom sobbing uncontrollably. It was the worst feeling in the whole world and it was just like reliving that horrible morning but this time with no mercy from the state of shock you are in during moments like those in the beginning.

I have been on edge quite a big with the hurricane information. Never before would I be this way but this time, I just couldn't get past it and worrying about my children and family. Richard and I headed to the stores to grab the things our family would need in case it was really bad for us. I tried to seem like it was fine and I was doing it to just be on the safe side and that is totally true but I was a mess inside with horrible scenarios running through my head. Prior to George's death I never felt anything like this and I feel now for those who live their lives in this capacity because it is just awful.

Often I will try to talk myself down from these attacks and other times they just overwhelm me and leave me in tears. Hugh just held me as I sobbed and just said "It hurts so bad. It just hurts so bad" Reliving those moments when George died are just horrible and words don't even do it justice. Not only do you relive them just one time during one of these attacks,it just plays over and over again in your head like a skipping record. You pray to God to take away the horrible memories and give you back the remembrance of the smile that used to fill your life with such joy that now the memories of it cause pain and sadness for the loss of something as simple as that smile.

Please pray for me and for all those who suffer in this capacity...it is no easy road to walk and you are taken off guard and can never prepare for them. You can be logical and the most well rounded person but you have no control over any of this.

When i tell you that my heart still hurts,
you dont know what you say.
When i tell you that my eyes still cry,
you look the other way.
How could you know the pain i have,
and the sorrow that i feel.
For you havent lost a precious child,
so for you, this isnt real.
I cant say that i blame you,
For i was once like you.
I would turn my head and walk away,
not knowing what to do.
But now i know, oh, how i know
What another mother feels.
For only when you have lost your child,
Our shared pain is now so real.
This painful loss that bereaved mothers share,
brings us closer in our hearts.
Now when we meet and share our child,
we are friends right from the start..

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation,
by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your
requests to God. And the peace of God, which
transcends all understanding, will guard your
hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

When tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see.
If the sun should rise and find your eyes, all filled with tears for me.
I wish so much you wouldn't cry, the way you did today,
While thinking of the many things we never got to say.

I know how much you love me, as much as I love you..
And each time that you think of me, I know you'll miss me too..
But when tomorrow starts without me, Please try to understand..
An angel came and called my name and took me by the hand,
It seemed my place was ready - In Heaven far above,
and that I'd have to leave behind, those things I dearly love..

But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye.
For all of life, I'd always thought, I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for, so much yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you..
I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad..
I thought of all the love we shared, and how much fun we had..
If I could relive yesterday, just even for a while,
I'd say goodbye, then kiss you ‘til I saw that special smile..

But then I fully realized, that it could never be,
'Cause emptiness and memories, would take the place of me.
And when I thought of all those things, I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow. .
But when I walked through Heaven's gates, I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me, From his great & golden throne,

He said, "This is eternity, and all I've promised you.
Today your life on Earth is past, but here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last,
and since each day is the same day, there's no longing for the past. .
But you have been so faithful, so trusting and so true,

So come and take me by the hand, and share my life with me.."
So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart,
for every time you think of me, I'll be right there
in your Heart..

Do Babies Grow Up in Heaven?

Will I know my baby when we meet again?

Will he have grown up, not be the infant that died in my arms?

Will I recognize him, be able to find him among so many others?

Or will he be a stranger to me, not knowing who I am,

or me knowing him?

Do babies grow up in heaven?

He never got his first tooth, or said his first words.

No first shoes, no Santa, no first birthday cake.

Will my son still be a baby when we meet again?

Do babies grow up in heaven?

Who sings him precious lullabies?

Who holds him close and kisses him everyday?

Who tells him constantly that they love him?

Do babies grow up in heaven?

When we next meet, will he know me?

Will he want to know me?

Will he be my son who died at three months, or a man, fully grown?

Will I have the joy of being a mother to my son for all eternity?

Do babies grow up in heaven?

Will I be able to hold him, love him, sing lullabies to him?

Will I be able to hold his tiny hand, or will it be a man's hand?

Will I ever have the joy that only holding my son can bring?

I need to know! In heaven, is my baby still a baby?