Missing You

I miss you so much Little Monkey!

Not many people know that I had a spot on my wall at our old house for your handprint but we never got to put it there...after you died I put a dragonfly on the stem of the flower I had painted and left open for you!  When I read this I thought of that and how sad it is to me you didn't get to add yours and now all your big brothers are gone too:o(

Bad Days

I can't really say why I have been having such horrible days but I have been having them.  Often times you can't see on the outside how much I am dying on the inside.  I've gotten so good at faking it that by a simple glance you would think there is nothing wrong with me.  Little do most people I know or see in a day know, inside I am just dying.  Almost three years later, it is just as hard as when I let him go, I've only got better at putting away the pain for longer periods of time.  The kicker is when it comes back and I can no longer control it, I am a mess for such a long time even if it is just inside of me or that I cry in the shower or in bed as I attempt to go to sleep. 

This is when I miss having my own house the most.  There I was able to just be open with my feelings without having to having to answer as to why I am just not myself...God sometimes I don't even know other than I feel often that my life sucks and I am tired of being in this living hell.  God, if I said that now, I would face some sort of lecture as to how I have to look on the possitive side or how I need to be strong for my other children.  My son is dead and although children die every day and there are worse situations, mine is pretty shitty and I get to have my moments when I feel that way.  To me it is the worst.  This of course doesn't come only from those I live with but also others around me on a less common basis or those who don't even know me at all.  If I could wipe some of these damn sayings out of people's vocabulary, I would!!! 

One of the other main reasons I miss my house was because that was the one place I felt my son's presence.  I could go to his room and just sit for a while and feel like I was with him and now that is all gone...I feel him no where at all and that just kills me inside.  No one will ever know how hard it is to look out the back door and know the one place he was, I am never allowed back to.  Its been about a year since we have moved in with my parents and "leaving it all behind" has not helped one bit and rather has been worse for me than living there was.  It may sound stupid to some but not to me...that was the place I brought all of my children home to and the home my husband and I built together litterally and figuratively.  It was the one place where we could let our walls down and be the people we are without fear of judgement.  All of that is gone...my son is now gone again.  I HATE to even drive by the house because it causes so much pain in my heart.  When I am caught looking at it from the back door here I am told to "stop eating my heart out"...ugh...another phrase I would like to oblitorate!

We are heading into another season of difficult times and I am just dreading them because I don't feel as if we can grieve for the things we have lost in a way we need to.  Last year I tried to get through it by taking anxiety meds and that shure as hell didn't do anything but get people calling me a drug addict.  Little did they know, all I wanted was to escape the pain and anxiety that they have no real idea about.  I was willing to try anything!!!  When I got to February, I got asked when I was going to get over this "first it was his birthday, and then it was the holidays, and then it was his death date and now you still aren't over it"  .  Really???  Unless you can bring my son back from the dead this whole season is going to be difficult, all the way up until and mabe even past the day I burried him, and I am not going to get over it anytime soon.  No mother, or father for that matter, should have to watch the horror unfold before their eyes as their child dies unexpectedly with such trauma.  If I could erase the memories of that awful day, God knows I would because I keep reliving it over and over again by no choice of my own but rather the lingering anxiety that comes with a traumatic situation.  All I can say is be me and then we will talk.

This past week has had me going back and thinking of George and how much I miss him and hurt.  It is the anniverssary of us loosing the only place I knew as his home and is followed up by his birthday, the holidays, his death date, the horrible days in between, and his burrial date...all the days that suck!  It always seems as if you just finally get a grips on the one date and the next one is there making you start all over again.  This will only be my third attempt at facing these days and trying to figure out how to get through them as much in tact as possible.  Yeah, I know I have to deal with it every day so it seems like I've had more time but think about your own family and if you were missing someone how you would feel worse on certain days that were special to you.  The other part is that so often people forget that Hugh was his father and deserves some slack from time to time.  Even if his feelings/actions may seem completely wrong, they may be right for him or they are his truth.  He deserves just as much respect and support as the kids and I do and yet he is the one they easily redicule or tease without any thought as to why he would do/say something or his feelings.

I really do ask that you pray for me, for us, and for the children.  On my end, I am hurting so badly inside and even if the kids or Hugh aren't feeling the same thing, that doesn't mean they don't feel it through me.  I've already talked to Richard and he is having his own issues himself right now when it comes to his brothers death.  The two of us have both felt the lack of ability to truly show our feelings to others even if we are really only feeling inside that others don't understand.  This may very well not be the actual truth but it is our truth, the way we see it and as any therapist would tell you, you have to deal with the person's truth as if it is because for that person that is exactly what it is.  For now I just ask you pray for us all but especially me as I find it harder and harder to keep my emotions in check...three years ago he was in my womb safe and sound, happy and playful, and now instead of running around with his siblings, he is gone with very little knowledge of this world he was suppose to share.  For now, I just pray that these bad days go away soon!

George is a Cousin Again!!!

Talia Michelle is here!!! 10lbs 4ozs 22 inches!!!

Yes you read that right!!!

I am sure that George met her before she was sent to bless our family!!!

Pain of All Kinds

Lately, George's loss has been so hard.  Every moment of every day is full of sadness deep in my heart even when my face says differently.  Whenever we do something fun, I want him with us and can feel that hole in my heart just throb with pain.  Events from the past few weeks have not made it any easier as we had many family things that make me wish he was with us.  I have also been plagued by feelings of even deeper heartache as I have come to face ridicule and pain from find out others have been talking about me behind my back about a lot of things.  If only they could walk a moment in my shoes the would understand.  I've been called a failure and said to be a moocher(that of course is boiling it down to the simplest meaning behind what has been said), all of which just hurts so bad because no one knows the REAL truth.  Hugh has also been feeling a lot of this pain and had a bad day on Monday.  So often we both feel trapped in hell and moments like these add to the fire.

I've been thinking about George a lot too because we hit the two and a half year mark on Sunday.  It was hard because we were at a family get together where I felt so out of place and had to not show my breaking heart.  Hugh and I both sat in a corner table trying to just keep it together and stay out of the way for so many reasons.  I was so relieved when the day was over and we could just go home and to bed.  So many nights I cry myself to sleep because I know I can't do much of that during the day.  Often I am told that I owe it to my other children or that I need to be happy I have other children and so many other things that just want to scream...be me and see how well you do!

My sister is also having her baby today.  She uses the same docs I do and is headed in for a csection just like I have had with my kids.  Whenever I think of her, I think of the day I had George and the joy we had that day as we held him and got to love him in our arms rather than in my womb, not even knowing his/our fate.  Hugh and I have both been feeling that pull on our hearts again to have our last child.  Since this will be our last, I don't want it to be one where I'm full of hurtful emotions from others who don't want us or feel we should have anymore children.  Every single one of my pregnancies has been full of that and I don't want that.  The odd part is that I know that no matter how it happens or when, we will be met with tons of this yet again but yet I keep holding out.  No one knows how we know it is part of God's plan for us.  Gabby's pregnancy was full of so many up and down emotions and we both want to just enjoy this last baby in such a different way.  We needed Gabby and I know that is exactly what is happening with this last child of ours that will someday be...it is a calling but also a need.  No one can ever replace George nor do any of our children live in his shadow but I believe that not only are they a calling from God but also a way for us to heal and find strength and happiness that we have yet to know. 

All of this is so hard.  I don't understand God's purpose in it all but I have to trust in his will for our lives.  We have been attending a grief/loss group at a local church and it has been very interesting and helpful in a very unique way.  I'm sad to know that it is coming to and end in two weeks and wish it could be something we had all the time.  The group of people that attend are wonderful and yet small.  We all support one another and are there for one another in just a different way than other support groups we have been to.  The kids attend at the same time we do and they all love it too.  I find it so interesting that strangers can be more supportive than some family.  Not all of my family is judgmental and supportive and I am so thankful for those who are not.  These people have in someway become part of our extended family and feel the ability to talk openly without holding anything back.  They are what we draw from when the hard stuff becomes too hard.  Those of you who read this and have been supportive, non judgmental, don't talk negatively behind our backs, and are just there, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts, even if you are not related biologically, for you have no idea what you bring to our lives.

Just So Hard

Lately, things have just been so hard for me on all fronts.  I think I try to hide my emotions where George is concerned and wham...it comes out in some other way.  Life since George is so much harder than life before him.  Our live have always been hard and faced criticism from others but it got so much worse after he died.  Just like before...we had good and bad moments and we have those now but even the good moments have something bad lurking in the shadows and it is that he is dead and not here.  So many people don't understand that and try to tell us to look only at the good things but it just isn't possible.

Today I have just not felt myself after a long day at Sesame Place yesterday.  I've been feeling kind of off and now I am really off.  I was getting ready to take a shower when I heard someone yelling and my hear just sunk to my stomach.  A panic attack started the moment I heard a yell I could not understand.  A second or so later Joshua yelled again, he was looking for my dad.  With that, I fell apart and just started to cry and continued to through my whole shower.  I mustered up whatever strength I had left and got myself together enough to go downstairs in case someone was outside the bathroom and I had to walk past them. 

Finally, I got to my room and just stood there so sad that this was now my life.  Never would I have ever freaked out and had a panic attack the way I did before George died.  I hate living this way.  It's easy to say that I am capable of changing that but the only person/people who would believe that would be someone who had never been through something like that.  You can't watch your child die before your eyes and not be changed but especially not loose it when you hear someone yell when that was what called you to those horrible moments in your life.  How do you ever go back?  You can't!  NO amount of counseling or group sessions fixes something like that.  The funny part is that all my fellow angel mothers completely agree no matter how many years they are out if they were not the ones who found their child. 

I want so much of my life back but besides George, the one thing I want back the most is the ability to not have insane panic attacks.  This whole thing has made have a new respect for those who live with this sort of thing their entire lives all day every day.  I have always had anxiety about people talking about me or talking behind my back but that is a joke in comparison to this.  All the anxieties are warranted but what comes with George's death, it just is so  much greater than anything and I cannot talk myself out of it.  Anxiety from those who talk about me, I can often talk myself out of and even if they are talking about me I can take a step back and say that it is their loss they are not in my life or that they have to answer for it someday.  The anxiety that comes from George's death takes over, holds grip, and doesn't let go until I am sure everyone is ok.  Directly following it, I break down in tears and sob uncontrollably as I relive that horrible morning in my head or just cry because he is dead and I know where the panic attack came from and the horrible anxiety I now harbor because of his death.  Living like this is so hard...watching him die was hard but living without him and all the stuff that comes after is even harder.  Having your child die is just so hard.

Babies

This week has been full of babies for me.  Yesterday I held my cousins son, the first boy baby I have held since George died.  As I held him part of me wanted to die and just not even look at him and yet part of my heart sang as I remembered holding George and I didn't want to give him back.  This has stirred up so many emotions in me.  For so long I have kind of tucked George away deep in my heart to stop feeling the pain of his loss for a while so that I could keep it together the way everyone wants me to.  When I say that I mean that no one really wants to see me sad or watch me in pain so to get away from the horrible feelings that come not only with his death but also the way others react to me I have gotten good at just pretending I have it all together.  Instead, I die inside while I put my son deep in my heart because I cannot hold him in my arms like I could that little boy the other day.

We also held a baby shower for my sister who is going to have my niece on the first of August.  These things are so damn hard for me and no one really understands that.  I need to be part of these things for the sake of my family but it is so hard.  I don't want to steal their happiness because of my pain.  For me though I have to do this stuff in increments but that was not really how it all happened.  I am a planner by nature and hate waiting until the last minute but when this stuff happens I NEED time.  For some people waiting to the last minute is because they are trying to avoid it but I am opposite and I want to face them but I need time.  It all went well but God I cannot tell you how hard it was for me but I was able to at least not burst into tears like I did at my sisters first shower so I guess that is one step in the right direction. 

I also look at others who don't face the life challenges we have had to and I can admit that I am jealous.  In my heart I just cry out in pain for the life I yearn to have that was taken away from me so many years ago and just got further away year after year.  Looking at my life now it is so far from where I wanted to be and not because of my choices but rather life happening to us.  I've also always been the one to seek approval from everyone and yet have always been the one person that people talk about behind my back and criticize or judge unfairly without really knowing me or walking my shoes.  When people talk behind your back and you know it is not good most of the time it gives you an insane paranoia and pain just from the thought of it all.  It just hurts and adds to my already difficult life.

Being homeless has been like a smack in the face and made me feel like I have gone back to being a little kid.  I'm constantly looking for approval and feeling as if I am being talked about even if I am not and not doing the things I feel called to do because I am afraid to have to live with the judgement and anger directed toward me over these things.  A lot of it has been related to my kids and how people don't understand my calling to having children at the times I have been called to this.  These are deep rooted feelings that I know come from God and I try to put them off as long as possible until I feel like I am going to go out of my mind.  All of this baby stuff has been exacerbating the calling for our last child and yet I know this would only bring ridicule and pain when it should just be joy but for me that is not the case.  I know these are not ideal circumstances and I wish I didn't have this calling in my heart because I don't want to live that all over again but I also know there is only so long that I can run.  God I can't imagine being Mary!

Our family has just changed so much in the last few years and is just becoming more unrecognizable to me.  We have always struggled and had challenges but none like this.  My kids know a pain they should never have to know and if I could carry that for them, I would.  Hugh struggles on his own in ways I cannot help him and faces so much criticism from others.  I constantly feel like I am being torn in a million directions and don't have any energy left at the end of the day for myself.  When we had our house it was just different.  We had our own space to call home and although this is my home, I also feel homeless.  Mixed emotions are so hard to deal with.  I LOVE that my children get to be so close to my parents but also feel so out of place at times.  Maybe that is more it, I feel out of place in this life and as if I have never really fit ever. 

My entire life I just didn't really fit in and have always been the underdog.  Every part of me has given 100% and I always have to work so hard for the simplest things.  After a while it becomes exhausting and for me I become emotional because I don't know what else to do.  I will either get nasty or I will just cry and often times it is a combination of the two.  Never do I mean to be like this but when I don't know what else to do that is all I feel I can do.  There are even times I don't even know why I feel this way and I have been this way my entire life.  For now I have to deal with what God has handed me even though I don't get it.  I know I can't live in sorrow and sadness but I surely have my moments and right now that is what it is for me.  God has a plan for all of this and I get that.  So often the only reason I do a lot of things is because I don't want to rob someone else from the good things in their lives because mine is so damn hard...I want the best for them, not what I have and I won't be the reason for their pain if I can help it.  If I ever have hurt anyone, it has been done accidentally.  All that being said, that doesn't stop my heart from feeling broken all the time as I yearn for my son and the life I wanted but have never had.  I miss that baby that I held in my arms that was suppose to grow up but now forever remains a baby in my heart.

God I Miss You!

I sit here thinking of how long it has been since I watched you die.  My heart is so very heavy and I miss you more than words can say!  No one knows how bad I hurt sometimes.  I've gotten so good at keeping it all inside and putting on my happy face.  It hurts so bad to pretend like I am happy when inside I am crying.  Life is nothing like I wanted it to be and I have no control over that.  It hurts when I hear people judge me when they have not walked my shoes and have no real idea how hard it is.  Nothing is fair when your child dies and you did nothing to warrant this kind of pain.  I can't even look at your picture without wanting to cry and right now I miss more than ever our house.  No one understands how much it hurts to loose it.  It was like loosing you all over again because this was the only place you knew as home and the only place I really have memories with you.  They feel it is better for us to move forward but it isn't the case and moving and having to have a happy face on now almost 24/7 makes this even harder to handle.  The pain can be so bad that I want to explode inside but can't...instead I have to wait until night when I cry myself to sleep.  There isn't anything in the world that I wouldn't give to have you in my arms again.  I miss you more than you will ever know.  Sending you kisses to heaven because I can't give them to you myself:o(