7 Months Old

Today my sweet baby would have been seven months old. Of course it had to fall on a Friday and the day before my birthday. I had a good morning only to secumb to the sadness that has filled my heart because I miss him so much. Birthdays for me have never really been good occassions for many reasons but this one is just going to really be hard for me. I would honestly like to sleep through the entire day if that were at all possible. The anxiety of the phone ringing with Birthday wishes is just torture for me. I know the kids like birthdays so I went out today and bought some cupcakes for the occassion but shy of that I am honestly greatful that I will be going to my friends funeral tomorrow night.

This morning I went and stopped by her best friends house with a gift for her mom, the friend, and he boy friend. My heart aches for them all since I know the terrible pain that her loss has brought to their lives. I had gone to Hallmark to get them each a sympathy card. In my search for the right card, I happened to find these "legacy boxes" It is a keepsake box with lots of compartments for lots of things and they happened to just have 3 of them. I knew I had to get them and I wanted to give them to them before the service in case they wanted to use any of it for the service itself. I know the pain that comes with this loss so I wanted to do what I could to make it a little easier or at least let them know I understand and feel for them.

Yesterday we did go and get our necklaces filled at the funeral home. We took them to the jewler who soldered them closed and then went to Sears to get a necklace for them. I was going to wait to get one but just felt the need to go and get one for myself as a birthday gift to myself. I got a simple necklace but I like the fact that it is adjustable to different lenghts. Hugh's is nice too and fits the design of his cross.

I've had a lot of ups and downs lately. Going from totally fine to really bad in the blink of an eye for no apparent reason. Most of the time I wish that I had more time with him and had held him longer. I'm angry with myself for not forgetting about the house and clothing and spending that time with him. I had spent the last few weeks of his life trying to cram 40 hours of work in between doctors appointments, paying bills, doing laundry, cooking, and all the other daunting tasks that my life entails. That week had been so cramed because Hugh's mom had asked him to take her to Atlantic City and I had to make up the hours and tried juggling things and had not spent as much time with him that I normally had. It breaks my heart to think that was the last week I spent with him. That day I only held him that night because I was busy trying to make Hugh's birthday just rihgt and finish the hours so I could spend time with my little man on the weekend. He never made it to the weekend and I never finished those hours for work.

I'm greatful that I went in and picked him up that night. I took a shower and came out to find him crying. It always tugged at my heart to hear him cry and I was so upset with the time I had lost with him throughout the week I had given in and went to go get him. Hugh gave me dirty look, thinking that he would never go back to sleep. I didn't care, I wanted to hold my baby and I picked him up and played with him. I can still remember that smile on his face and hear his laugh in my head. I remember walking into his room thinking that if I didn't pick him up and play with him and something happened that I would regret it for the rest of my life. Little did I know that that was exactly what it was. Those were my last moments with my little boy and my heart hurts so bad knowing I will never have them back.

I don't know how to find joy in things like holidays and birthdays. God knows I don't know if I ever will find in them what I use to. There will never be pictures with him in them ever again and my future moments will never have him in them and that is just a huge weight on my heart. I still smile and I still laugh but not in the same manner as before. My life has forever changed and I just don't know how to live this life yet. It is so hard to make it through the day sometimes.

My heart aches for my friends mom, knowing the pain she is carrying all to well. I found some solice in going to drop off the gifts and talking to her best friend. Their pain is so great and I know it on such a personal level although the years have lead the two of us down different paths. Her service is tomorrow night and I have every intention of going even though I have not seen her since high school.

Tomorrow is going to be a rough day for me but I guess that is going to be more the norm than not. I keep praying and asking for strength and the ability to do this. I find at times it is more frequent especially when I see babies in the stores or watch friends and family bring new babies into the world. I am happy for them and sad for me all wrapped into one and sometimes just don't know how to handle those mixed feelings. I pray that as times goes on it gets somewhat easier but I guess I have to also prepare myself that it may not. one moment at a time...one moment at a time...that is what I keep telling myself. I can do this...God please give me strength and carry me when I need it for I know I cannot do this alone; you are with me always.