Today I turned 31 years old. I remember when I thought that was old...hah...boy you can tell I have gotten older. There was nothing special or bad per say about the whole day. I did get to sleep in and got waffles for breakfast from the boys. Each of the boys had made me a card. It was a little hard for me since they had used the paper that I used for the photo boards at George's service. They didn't know it but I did and almost started to cry.
After they got bored of being with me they headed upstairs and I got to take a nap for the first time in a long time. I really needed it...I have felt so tired and physically drained as much as emotionally drained. I could probably sleep a week away or stay in bed for a week and not think twice.
I woke up around lunch time and we took the boys out to Chick Fil A for lunch. They have been wanting to go there to go on their slide. I figured it was a way to get them out at least a little to have some fun. They had a blast but we had to call it a day when both Josh and Michael were physically exhausted but kept pushing themselves to play. We will have to do it again in the near future.
I had wanted to go and get plants for the memorial garden but we just never did get to do that. We went home and I played a few games online with Michael and watched TV with Richard. Then I had to get ready to go to the funeral for the friend of mine from grade school.
The funeral was nice. I hugged her mom and told her that I was thinking of her and she told me how I had helped her to find comfort the past few days. I hadn't thought anything about that honestly, it is just who I am. For me it was one mom reaching out to another who had just lost her child, no matter the age, no parent should lose their child!
Once I got home I went to my mom's house. She gave me some pictures she had blown up of our recent balloon release and my little man and I together in Disney. She also gave me a statue that had belonged to my grandmother. It was a Lenox piece of Jesus holding a child. I just cried. My brother gave me a beautiful card and so did his girlfriend. Shy of that there was no huge celebration of any kind or special dinner and we had cupcakes at our own leisure. I know I was just not in the mood to celebrate.
Josh is spending the night at my mom's again. He is getting so big. All of them are getting big and I think without George here, it is very obvioius. Hugh and I both feel so very lost without a little one around. We love the big boys but life just feels so empty without a baby around here. That was quite apparent when Josh decided he was going to make Michael the baby. I found him trying to diaper and feed Michael. Michael pretended to cry and found one of George's old pacifiers. I didn't know if I should cry or just smile. When I asked them what they were doing, Josh just looked at me and told me he missed George and needed a new baby so he made Michael be a baby. My heart sank to my stomach from the emotions I felt hearing those words come from his mouth.
I think that tomorrow we are taking a break from church. I have a rehearsal for something that I am involved in and that will beee part of the afternoon along with a friend is stopping by. I think I have just needed a break from everything as the true magnitutde of our loss is really beginning to sink in. It isn't like it wasn't real before but we are several weeks out and it is just so quite apparent that he will never come back and now we are left to sort out how to move on with life. Every night I go to sleep I pray that God will give me the strenghth to be able to do this.
Right now I know that we are doing what we need to no matter how hard it is or even if it makes no sense to anyone else. I've been listening to a lot of music. Christian music just touches my soul and I find much healing in that. I've also found some solice in having my pendant with his ashes in it on my neck. It is just heavy enough for me to know it is there and is kind of like when he use to sit under my chin. It isn't the same but it makes me think of those moments and I find comfort in that. I miss him so much!
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