When God Comes Calling

You Will See Them Someday
© Stephan Banks
when you lose someone it can be hard to take
the pain that you feel when your heart has to break
the memories you keep are all in your mind
as you search your soul for more to find
the way their skin felt the smell of their hair
as you keep thinking over and shedding a tear
the years may pass, memories fade to grey
but your getting no younger you'll see them someday
unconditional love is never forgotten
look deep in your heart it is there at the bottom
alone in the dark sometimes in fear
voices from loved ones your hoping to hear
more years pass, they soon fly by
but your always looked upon from those in the sky
surrounded by clouds and pure white doves
they listen and watch sending you love
just remember one thing as you sit and you pray
they will be there to greet you, you will see them someday.

Source: Death of Nan and Granddad, Family Death Poems http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/death/poetry.asp?poem=22661#ixzz0kMQo2C8p

Recently a girl that I went to school with died. It was two days ago and I just got the confirmation that it was her today. The news made me think of her mother who is coming in from Kentucky to plan her service. I know the pain she feels in her heart all to well. There has been so many deaths of close family and friends lately. The very thought of all those we have lost over the past two years just makes my head spin.

The deaths of so many surely make you contemplate your own mortality. I was pretty close with this girl in grade school. I had spent the night at her house a couple of times. At one of the sleep overs she swore I broke her lamp...to this day I don't remember doing it but she would always joke with me about it. When I think fo her I think of the 20's day we had at our school. She was dressed up in a flapper costume dancing her heart out with a huge smile on her face and that is what I think of when I remember her. As time went on we went our seperate ways and by the end of high school we were just aquantances. I don't know what her family plans to do for a service but I plan to attend if it is open to non family members.

This week in general has just been a very bad week. Today Hugh had a very bad day. George's loss has hit him extremely hard. He had to get a tooth pulled again. When they asked him why he hadn't gotten it fixed he told them the baby died and it just was not on the list of priorities. They all felt sorry for him and the very thought of it overwhelmed him. He got out of the shower today and just started crying because he misses him. The pain is just so overwhelming right now and I can't even explain why.

Part of it all is that the reality of it is just now sinking in. Finalized paperwork is in our hands, the first holiday without him, and an empty bedroom are all reminders that we did have this perfect little boy in our lives. It was not just a dream, it is now just a nightmare that we will live for the rest of our lives. I emailed a friend of the girl that recently died and told her that there will be lots of people around in the beginning but it is times like these when there is no one and it is just a feeling of lonliness. The calls stop, the dinners stop, and you get random phone calls here and there but you just find that they are all superficial.

For Hugh this is harder because he just has me and the boys right now. I remember calling people pleading with them to come over when George first died to be there for Hugh. He has been holding it together and just trudging through the days and feeling as if he has to be the tough guy. I think today he realized that he can't do that forever. A few days ago he just broke down crying when I asked him how he is dealing with this all. He cried and we talked about how much we hurt and how horrible this whole thing is. Later that evening, he thanked me saying that no one had asked him what his thoughts were and he had gone through that day and how he was handling it. People ask you how you are but they don't really want the horrific details of the day. The very details that will forever haunt you for the rest of your life and you just know you will never be able to forget.

We have both found it an akward situation when people ask how many children we have. Instinctively we say four but then it is always met with a wierd look and then you have to go into detail. Or you have a picture and someone says how beautiful of a family and ask how old they all are. That is when it gets odd...we have not yet learned to handle these situations yet.

Today we got our jewlery in. Both Hugh and I wanted a piece of jewlery that we could put some of George's ashes in. We have been waiting weeks for them and now have to take them back to the funeral home to have them fill them. There is a jewler who is going to solder them closed for us. We both find peace knowing we can carry with us wherever we go. Hugh got a cross and I got a heart with baby feet on them. The next thing we have to do is get a good chain for each of us to put it on. Right now they are on those satin cords until we can get the money together to get a nice one for each of us. I'm so greatful I got it before my birthday which is this Saturday. I am not looking forward to it at all but it was sort of my gift to myself, a piece of my little boy.

I pray to God every night that he gives me the strength to get through every day. On the hard days I pray a whole lot more frequent then normal. We both know that we cannot get through this on our own and have to put our faith in God to get us through. When the moments come and our hearts are so heavy all we can do is cry, that is when we know he is beside us embracing us so we can pull it together to take another stepin the life we are left here to lead.

We know that we have a job still to do and find confirmation of that every day. Not only do we still have children, but we have a job in terms of awareness. I just got a phone call with a confirmation of date and time for the in service we are going to do in June. It is sad that is has to be this to bring about awareness but I am greatful to use the opportunity to do such. It would be a waste of his life to not do anything about it. Even if he never had the disease at all, their lack of response and knowledge about the disease is crucial for his brothers who do have the diagnosis. It is also important for those who will wind up in there without knowing they have it.

I came across this web page today about a man who lost his son to suicide. He has taken it as his mission in life to support others who are grieving. He believes God called him to this and some of his insight was just so meaningful and inspirational. Some of the words just touched my heart and helped to know that we are not alone and God is with us. If you have time take a moment to look at it, I am sure you will find solice in it dispite the person it is that you have lost in your life. http://www.markcanforaministries.com/

I pray for all of those who have lost children and those who will do so in the future. The pain is terrible and beyond comprehenssion. May God hold you in his arms and carry through the trials he has set in your path to create his ultimate plan. If we did not know suffering would we really know love? If we did not know pain would we really know joy? You find more appreciation for the good parts of life after walking through the difficult parts. God will never put us through anything he is not willing to see us through and I truly believe that.