My sweet boy,
Today was probably one of the hardest days of my life. It was our first holiday without you here and I just felt so lost without you. We did all the things we were suppose to do but none of it felt right. You weren't here and a big part of my heart was missing. I really tried to keep it together all day long but it was barely and I was surely not myself.
I had looked forward to taking you to church for the first time. We had planned on dressing you up like your big brothers. I know you would have been to little to do the egg hunt but I would have made it happen for you anyway, just like I always do. There were just so many things I never got to do with you. The holidays will never be the same ever again. It hurt to not be putting together a basket for you since you never did get one. You did however have an egg rack that I had bought you for your finished egg masterpices as you grew up. You will never do them but I did one for you.
Your brothers and daddy and I all went to church. Richard was serving on the altar and also did a reading "Prayers of the people" he did so good. We were very proud of him. They had a children's sermon and it was a lot of fun. It was like a big party! Now Joshua thinks for sure every time we go to church that there is a party there. He thought that we were having a party for you the day of your funeral and then again today, he thought it was another party for you. God bless his little heart, he loves you and misses you so much.
I found myself crying after communion. Joshua and I lit a candle for you and then we sat and prayed. I prayed to God and asked him to please take care of you for me becuase I feel so helpless beign here and not being able to do my job and take care of you since you are no longer in my arms. Joshua, of course, saw me crying. The next thing I knew he was swiping away my tears with a tissue telling me that it was ok. He said he missed you too but that he loved me and that you were in heaven with God and Oma and Opa. What I would give for it to just be that simmple for me. I am so blessed to have your brothers and daddy becaue they are what keep me going.
We saw a little girl sitting behind us. She was the age you would have been if you were still here with us. That just tugged at my heart and I could not look at her for long periods of times. It just hurt to know that you would be that big and doing all that stuff she was doing. I think that it will always be hard to see children who were born around the same time you were because it will be a reminder of what I have missed with you.
Your big brothers got to do an egg hunt at church and also one at Memom and Poppies house. It was a lot of fun for them. I really did not have the desier to take part in it and avoided the one at church. When we did the ohter one, I filled the eggs and took pictures of your brothers while they looked. It took everything I had in me to keep it together because it just kept getting harder and harder to do.
The one thing we did do was let off some baloons. Each of us wrote a note to you and attached it to a balloon. We went outside and let them go. I don't know if it helped or not but I think we all found solice in being able to do that. We just miss you so much and we want to keep your memory alive and find ways to do that without it being overdone. I want your big brothers to remember you but I don't know if they really will. The thought of them not remembering you is just so hard to fathom.
I hope heaven is all that I have ever dreamed it will be. I look forward to joining you some day. I don't know how or when but I know that I cannot wait to be with you again. You mean so much to me and it is hard to not have you here now. Every day is a struggle to keep moving forward without trying to continually look back or even at the plans I had for my life. My plans are so way off course that I am sure it doesn't matter anymore. God has it in his plans and I will have to leave it there.
Have a pice of chocolate and we hope you like the balloons!
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