Grief Work

I always use to find it funny to hear the phrase "grief work" Never did I think it was suppose to be something that required work...but lord it is the hardest job you will ever have. We have done a lot over the past few days on so many levels. To think this will be a job we will have for the rest of our lives seems so daunting but knowing we are not alone makes it not seem so bad.

Hugh, Richard, Michael, and I spent a lot of time up at Camp Comfort Zone today. Joshua did not go since he was not feeling well. I knew he was sick when I told him there would be balloons and he said he still wanted to stay but to send a kiss to Georgie from him. I don't know if it is allergies or season changes but his stupid insurance better get approved sooner rather then later in case I need to take him to the docs. I'm going to call his case manager at Medicaid tomorrow to light a fire under their butts...this is rediculous!

Anyway, we went to pick Richard up from camp and spent lots of time up there today. Not only was it healing for him but also for us as a family. This place is a true blessing and I would reccomend it to anyone who has a child with a loss. The memorial service that the kids had was just beautiful. The children ran it and got to choose how they wanted to honor their loved one. Some people did it in groups, some did it individually, or with just a couple of people. There were poems, songs, skits, and dancing. All of those honored there were looking down on those kids with pride and joy. There were tears and there was laughter all rolled in one. This is the first place we have ever felt like we belonged since George died other then our church.

Richard got up with his group and they each said who they were their for and explained a lot of emotions they all felt though their grief. After his group was done, Richard and one other boy from his group wanted to honor their loved one. I was so proud of him. He got a little flustered when it was his turn to talk but held it together and I could not have been prouder. He showed everyone the monkeys I had made for the boys with George's picture on the shirt and explained how much it meant to him. He then had asked them to play the song "Upside Down" from the movie Curious George! That was enough to have both Hugh and I wiping our eyes as tears just streamed down our faces. Richard got so emotional on stage listening to the song and all of his new friends just supported him...it was truly a blessing.

Michael had been itching to see Richard since he left! I took him over to give his big brother a hug after such a corageous thing. Richard just hugged and kissed Michael so much. All of his friend just thought Michael was adorable! It was so nice to see people there all for the same reason and all feeling so lost in their normal lives but being allowed to be themselves within a group of strangers. This was not only apparent in the children but all of the parents. So many parents felt so lost themselves, they didn't know how to help their own child...Hugh and I included.

We met Richard's Healing Circle Leader who was actually the founder of the camp and she had lost both of her parents at a young age and never wanted another child to feel the way she did. It was such a blessing to have her in all these children's lives. She of course let me know Richard was an awsome kid but also wanted me to know that he harbors a lot of guilt. She even mentioned that he said he knew I was having a tough time and we had talked about it earlier in the week. We all have the what if's and if only I hads. Logically we know it is not our fault but human nature makes you want to have something or someone to blame and with a lable like SIDS, there are no answers at all. I think that makes it even tougher when you have the guilt card in your deck.

Richard had an awsome "Big" and his "Big" loved Richard, his "Little". We talked to him and he said that Richard was such a pleasure and he hopes that Richard comes back again. They talked about a lot of stuff and had a connection from the beginning. At first I was not sure if it was a good match but by the end I was sure that there could not have been a better match. Both of them were high energy and both had lost a brother. There was so much commonality between the two of them it was scary!

At the end of it all, the kids got to have a balloon launch. They wrote messages to their loved one and attached it to a balloon. We all got balloons too. Michael was waiting for that all day and was so excited. Everyone got in a huge circle and let their balloons go at the same time...it was so beautiful. Michael and I blew kisses with our balloons. All of the kids had tshirts that everyone signed...it was just an awsome feeling, I don't think anyone did not leave without a warm fuzzy.

Michael had his own set of moments. He was so good and patient during the memorial. He was clapping and rocking back and forth to the music! Of course the little flirt that he is, he was talking to all the pretty girls/women with dark hair. Sue was his first target when we got there...she was wonderful with Hugh the night we had dropped Richard off and gave him the info to get a hold of the person for the adult camp he wants to see if there is a spot in. After Sue, there was Jamie...the founders daughter! He followed her around everywhere and must have said goodbye to her a million times!

Richard and I want to do something to help out this organization. I think we are going to look into doing a collection of supplies. They can always use tissues and sharpie markers. We are going to get a hold of the woman from the NJ camp and see what other things would be of help and put a list together for anyone willing to help out. It is free to families but it still costs to run these things if we can get supplies then they can use that money towards other things like bringing this program to more places. I cannot tell you what a blessing it was to have been able to go there.

I know that God was looking over us when I tripped over their web page. It was a true accident that I found it. It came at just the right time. I hope more families can benefit from their program. I have listed their link to the side of this page if you are interested. The children just have to be 7-17 and it can be for any loss. They do have older camps for young adults 18-23yrs and sometimes adult camps. They can always use volunteers...if you think you could do it for one weekend and change the life of a grieving child, please prayerfully consider doing it. You could make a difference in someones life at the worst time of their life. I can't think of a better mission.

Richard is staying home tomorrow. He is so exhausted emotionally and physically. I've never seen him cry like this and be so emotional but I am glad he is. He spent time in George's garden tonight. We really have to get it finished but things are at a standstill right now since Hugh threw his back out yet again. He was moving the rocks and with an already bad back, he just irritated it again. He has been out of commission for almost two weeks now. We are so close to being done but I guess it will just have to wait until we can start again. I don't want him hurting himself again so he has been taking it easy. They are too much for me to move other then a few at a time but it will happen eventually. We had hoped to have it done by Mother's Day but now I am just hoping to have it done by George's Birthday.

There are so many things running through my mind right now. All of us are just so emotionally taxed. This is the hardest thing to ever have to do in your life. The sad thing is that we won't be the last people to go through this and I feel for those who will walk this path in their lives and who do now and feel so alone. I've always prayed for those who lost children but this just has taken on another meaning since our loss. You truly loose part of yourself that you will never regain here on Earth. Maybe that is why it is so glorious to be in heaven?! I'll just have to wait and see and pray for God to walk with us until that day.