Can't Remember

Hugh and I were on the way back from the ultrasound we had to have done today. Of course having a new baby is just full of tons of emotions especially after the loss of a child. Hugh turned to me and just asked me if I remember George's cry. At first I said yes but really after much thought I can hear his first cry ringing through my head but other then that nothing. I could never explain it but if I heard it again I would know it was him in an instant. Hugh said he felt the same way.

It was so sad to realize that we just couldn't remember his cry. I also realized I cannot remember his laugh either. It is so disheartening to really think this and know that we have nothing to remember that by other then our memories. The only video we have is the one of his birth. Just the very thought of this makes me cry. We decided that this is what makes him seem like a dream to us. We have pictures and those sorts of things but it was such a short time that it doesn't seem real. How can this really be?

I miss him so much. That laugh and smile just melted my heart and loosing them just broke my heart. I know that life goes on but I just can't ever see these feelings ever going away.

Yesterday was as good a day as could be. It was rough but that was to be expected. We took the boys to see Toy Story 3. It was realy cute and some of the theme of it hit home for us. It basically was about not living in the past. Both Hugh and I cried. We gave Hugh is Father's Day gifts. One was a photo blanket I had made at Costco with our family photo from Disney on it. It was one of the last happy moments in our lives before he left. We also gave him a photo album with pictures of him being the awsome dad that he is. The little boys had made fireflies out of flashlights at school but gave them to him on Friday since they couldn't wait. Richard made him a ceramic George angel piece in art class.

The best part was these little rolled up papers from the little boys. They drew a picture on it and it had a saying. Joshua's said "My daddy is for working outside in Georgie's garden and he cuts the grass. He pulls the string out of the mower and it makes noise and goes fast." Michael's said " My daddy is for putting me to bed." Both so very innocent and yet so meaningful. So many times it made me wonder what Goerge would have been like as a little boy running around with his brothers. What would he have brought to our family? It is so sad to know that we won't have moments like those with him, yet we are greatful for them with these guys.

We did take the boys to Target after the movie for them to pick out a gift for my father. Of course, Josh knew he wanted to get his poppy tools. If they could have bought every one in that isle they would have. Michael picked out this really cool blue flashlight that we were not leaving that isle without. Josh picked out a hammer of course and a couple other things. Richard picked out this tripod flashlight and of course we had to have the tool box to put it all in. We wrapped it all up. My dad was out for the day so they gave it to him today. They were so excited!

We have such wonderful children and are so blessed. I thank God every single day for them and Hugh in my life. I cannot immagine where my life would be had I not met him and he changed my life. He taught me that I deserve the best and to not settle for anything less then what I want. He give me a self confidence I never had in my life. My life was in shambles and somehow through him I found the strength to do what I needed to do for myself and not feel guilty. Up until then I had given 200% of myself trying to make a bad relationship work and didn't even realize it. The relationship was not really a relationship since it was one sided and I realized I deserved better. I found my faith in God again and actually fordged a relationship with him that if I did not have it, I would not be able to get through all of this. That alone is a gift like no other.

I don't understand why God has chosen me for the path he has but I know it is possible. I don't know why he took my little boy but I know that he is caring for him until I can get there. There is more for me here to do and I know that. The thing I am greatful for the most is that I am not alone in this, Hugh and I have on another and God at the center of our marriage so we will get through anything. Both of us know that things are never going to be easy but we can get through it. We are truly blessed in so many ways. In the end of it all we also find comfort in knowing even though we can't remember that cry or laugh that we will hear it again someday when we are all together. Until then we will be greatful for the many gifts we do have and appreciate the small things like little letters and ceramic art pieces.