Soul Searching

I know for me whenever something tragic and unexpected happens I find myself doing a lot of soul searching. This of course is no different with George waking in God's arms. In some ways the need for this is even greater in this situation. This time around I am not seeking my faith(I found that when Richard's father left for prison) but rather finding ways to strengthen it and make it so the pain does not consume me and that I can do God's work and will dispite my complete lack of understanding.

No, I don't understand why in the world he chose this but as I have always said, I have a strange peace about it. I've been reading the book I Will Carry You about a mother who lost her daughter(they knew it would be the case while she was pregnant) and found herself much on the path I find myself every single day. The last few chapters have been about how Jesus brought Lazarus back to life. Recently in church we went over the same thing, it was the day Richard did the sermon.

I remember hearing the passage being read aloud in church about how Jesus preformed the miracle of saving his life. As a mother who had just lost her son, I sat there thinking where was my miracle. They happen every single day and the day I needed it the most it wasn't there for me and to just hear the words made my heart ache wondering why God didn't choose to save my son. I cannot tell you how hard it was for me to sit there in church and listen to that passage without crying and loosing it completely.

Today as I read it again in this book, I found I was not alone in my thoughts, this mother thought the same thing I did. She also wrote the passage that follows where Mary anointed Jesus's feet with oil and was scolded for doing such by the others there. After a few more sentences it really did make more sense to me...Mary did not know that only days later she would be taking Jesus to his grave and that the very thing she was doing was part of God's plan. In the story about Lazarus, they talk about Jesus crying. It was not that he was crying because Lazarus was dead because he could bring him to life...he was crying for Mary and Martha for their pain and the fact that they could not see the greater plan.

In many ways it is like a parent. We would not give our young children more information then they are capable of handling. We don't burden them with adult problems and make decisions without always explaining ourselves, knowing they won't truly understand until a later date. In many ways I think this is what happens in situations like these with God. Right now we just won't understand and he knows that so we are just left with the faith that he has our best interests at heart and knows our needs and what lies ahead for us. That of course isn't easy and just like a child throw a temper tantrum or a teenager becomes defyant, we too find ourselves with the same mixed emotions in these situations that we just cannot wrap our heads around.

I think at first we seek answers. We comb scriptures and pray and ask God why? Somewhere in all of that we don't realize that he is speaking to our hearts in the moments that we are most vulnerable and thirsting for answers. It is in those moments that our hearts are opened the most and he can work through us if we allow him to. I remember praying that they would find something on his autopsy just so that I had an answer. Yet there were none and the day that I got his autopsy it was like loosing him all over again...it left me questioning again...why?

Somewhere in all of this, I have had to accept that I may never have the answer to that and although I struggle each day, I try to just put my faith in the Lord and ask him for his will not mine. That day our baby went home to the Lord, I asked the same thing that Jesus asked in the garden...please let this cup pass from me, but thy will be done. Just as with Jesus, it was God's will and not mine. I still cry every day and probably always will, I miss my little boy more than anything but I put my faith in God and know that there is so much more that I just don't understand. In all of my soul searching the one thing that I have never doubted and always known was that my little monkey just had a greater purpose.