Another 29th

I absolutely hate days like today. They are the days you think you will be ok but everything just hits you and you are just so unprepared. There is no way to predict what will make you sad or how you will feel. Today was just a horrible day from beginning to end. I got on the phone to call the life insurance company. The woman was very nice and helpful but as soon as she asked me George's date of death, I said the 29th and was hit that today was the 29th. It was all downhill from there.

I tried to gather myself all day long but to no avail. The simplest things would just make me cryl. I wound up spending most of the day in bed so that I would not make the rest of the boys and Hugh upset too. The rain did not make it any easier because those were the days I would cuddle with my little man. I miss him so much and I hurt so bad. It is such a terrible thing to feel so very helpless.

I've come to absoultely hate the grief process. It stinks! The uncontrolability and unpredictability of it all is just so very overwhelming. I've tried over and over again to understna that this whole thing takes time and is normal but it is still so frustrating when you get hit all at once. I think you just get sick of holding it all together so when the chips fall they fall hard.

All weekend I had it together even when there were things that made me sad. I think today all of that hit me too. Life is just so unfair at times and I just don't understand it all. Not only are you having to deal with your own emotions, you have to deal with everyone else and especially those who just don't understand.

The rest of the week is packed full of stuff to do. I don't know if that is good or bad to be honest. Hugh and I are both dreading the holiday. We have absolutely no desire to celebrate it. Big family things are just so difficult for us right now. Holidays, birthdays, and vacations just bring feelings of dread. It is like you are now an outsider because you plaster that smile on your face and pretend like you are happy just so that everone else around you feels comfortable but you are dying inside. You pull it together just because you feel like it is your duty as a parent to the kids still here but your heart is not in it because part of you is missing.

I know we are going to have to learn how to deal with all of this but even two months later it is all still as if it was yesterday that we lost him. I still can see him smiling as I was playing with him the night before he died. He was so sad when I put him down to go to bed and it just made my heart wrench to put him down although I knew he needed to go to bed. Now the memory of that is just so painful, I wish I had just sat with him that night and rocked him to sleep(even though I know he never fell asleep on you and needed to be in his bed to do that).

I got in the medical records from the hospital today. Having read that and the autopsy this past week, I think it was just all so real and like loosing him all over again. Sometimes it feels as if he was never here and then others it is so real that it hurts more then any pain anyone could ever feel.

The one thing that always keeps running through my head is that there is nothing to call yourself after you loose a child. People who have lost parents are called orphans, people who have lost spouses are called widows, but parents who lost a child have nothing to call themselves. There really should be some name because it would be much easier when you talk to people to not have to go into detail. If there was a simple name for it but it is such a horrible loss that there is nothing to name it.

Losing someone else in your life is nothing like that of a child. Comparing it to other losses is just demeaning. Unless you have lost a child, you cannot ever say that you understand. I am not the only one that feels this way obviously because it has been written over and over again in bereavement books. I sat here today reading through one of the SIDS books I have and it said that for a parent who is dealing with a sudden death has even harder times with it. We were just never prepared for the loss so it is so much more drastic and difficult to deal with. There is a whole other host of emotions that come along with it and that makes you feel even more alone.

Honestly, I am looking forward to going to sleep because when I do that, I at least feel better somewhat in the morning. Tomorrow I go for Michael's meeting for school. He also has his last therapy session with the people from Early Intervention. We were so blessed to have them in our lives and we will be sad to see them go. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.

Moved

Yesterday was Michael's 3rd birthday party. We had a good time seeing everyone on much better circumstances. It was our first family function without George. We did get to see some old family friends who we have not seen in years. Boy those were the good old days! I miss the innocence I had as a child for many reasons. It was nice to see the kids have that and no worries for a short amount of time. The loss of their brother has caused a lot of emotions in all of them so it was just nice to see their worries melt away and only be little kids.

Later on in the day my aunt came with her step daughter who has a little girl. She was pregnant when I was and her daughter is not much older then George was. It was very hard for me to see her and it was also very difficult for Hugh. Many family members asked us several times if we were ok and of course we just said yes dispite the fact we ached so much inside. Hugh had to leave at one point. It was hard to watch the boys be so excited to have a baby to play with and they each wanted to hold her and kiss her. It saddened me to know they never got to really do this with George. We stuck it out for the kids sake, you coulc tell they needed that so bad. As much as it hurt it was healing too. We knew at some point we would have to handle this sort of situation and at least it was in a safe environment where people understood. It was nice to get over that hurdle dispite the fact it took everything we had to not just cry or loose it.

Today we went to church. Richard served again this weekend. He has been very active since George died and will be even more this week coming up with all the things for holy week going on. The two of us had a nice conversation this afternoon and he is such a wonderful kid. We were talking about how broken all of our hearts are. He said that it was like we were each glasses and God came down and smashed us into pieces but is putting us back together with very slow drying glue. God is making us into a glass bowl rather then individual glasses. What an awsome way to think and undersanding of how hard this is. We will never be the same and it is going to take a long time to be whole again.

Church itself was extremely moving for me. It was Palm Sunday and they went over Christ's walk to the cross and his death. The very thought of it all and several passages just brought tears to my eyes. One of the men from our church was resonsible for the homily. He had asked me weeks ago if I was going to be at this service and I said yes. He wanted to let me know he was mentioning me in this part of the service. I don't think I was prepeared dispite the fact that I knew ahead of time.

He talked about the resurection and life afet death and many different perceptions on it. As he was getting to the point where he mentioned me, he began to tear up and could barely hold it together himself. He talked about how God had showed himself through me the day of the baby's service. He talked about how I had sang the lulaby to George and how moving it was and how God had let so many people into that place of faith and peace. He said that my faith was so strong and that God had proven his presence at that very moment. Tears just rolled off my cheeks as I listened to him talk about me.

Never did I realize how I myself had touched someone like that. The very thought that not only has God worked through my son but he was working through me too. George's loss has changed me forever but then it has also changed so many other people. The thought of being used in God's greater plan can be so overwhelming yet touching at the same time. I did not realize that so many people had been touched by something I felt that I needed and wanted to do for my little boy. When we passed peace, I hugged the gentleman and he just held me tight as we cried and he told me that I was an inspiration. Me? How could I do that? It is just part of who I am and I could not immaging doing anything less then what I have done. I have leaned on and still do lean on God in order to get through this all. That is why I have always lived by the Footprints in the Sand. No matter how alone I feel, I know that I am far from that.

The rest of this week is chalked full of tons of things at church. It is holy week. Hugh and I are singing on Good Friday. It is going to be hard to get through but it will be beautiful. The song is called New Again by Braid Paisley and Sarah Evans. It is Jesus and Mary singing to one another while he is on the cross. It is listed below on the music chart. If you have never heard it click on the song and take the time to listen to it this week. It has taken on new meaning since George died and so has the whole Easter season. This week has so much meaning behind it and realy is what faith is based on. Take a moment to think about what you believe and where it fits into your life. Is there something that you can do to let the light of Christ shine through you so that you too can move others to find their own faith?

8 Weeks and a Finalized Autopsy

What a VERY LONG DAY! There has been a lot going on the past two days. Yesterday was not a horrible day but was full of lots stuff. We said good bye to Michael's developmental teacher. She was also Joshua's so it was hard to see her leave for the last time. I got Michael's evaluation paperwork from school. He will certainly qualify since he fell in the 5% in two areas. I went to bible study and it was a good break from the chaos of the day. When I got home, I was in bed and Richard came to me to tell me he needed to have a costume for the next day's Civil War Ball! We ran to Sears and I spent money I didn't plan to but we got it and I was up sewing his vest.

Earlier in the AM I called the Medical Examiner to see if they had finished his autopsy. They told me it had been done for a week!!! No one could call me? Ugh...I know it isn't their policy but come on! Oh well, I had to fax a letter then it had to go to their legal department and then they were going to mail me out a HIPPA form and then I would have to mail it back and then wait for the paperwork. I was so overwhelmed having to wait but asked if I could go and pick it up. They called me right before they closed to let me know I could come in today to fill out the form and pick it up. I was so thankful.

Hugh said he did not want to go or know anything other then what his cause of death was. I was prepared to go by myself. My mom had asked to go but she was just to close to the situation and I didn't want that since I knew what the report would entail. I was prepared to just go myself until after a conversation with a woman from our church. She had been a social work from DYFS and she convinced me that I needed a third party person to go. She offered to go with me and I was reluctant to say yes but I was not sure how I would handle it if it was not SIDS. I knew that she cared but was not so emotionally involved that I was ok with her going because she had read many autopsy reports and would know what to expect.

I got up early this morning to help Richard get dressed for his ball since he had to come already dressed. Then I got myself together and the anxiety mounted as the time neared that Marsha was suppose to pick me up. As soon as I saw her care I was out the door and we were headed to the medical examiner's office. I filled out the paperwork and almost had to wait until Monday due to someone in the legal department taking the day off. Thankfully they had compassion and gave me the report. I didn't bother to read anything but the finalized death certificate wich listed his death as "sudden unexplained infant death" It meant they had no answers. I flipped through the report not reading everything but just scanned it.

Marsha took me to get coffee and we went through it a little more but she read it more then I did at that point. I just wanted to know initially if they found anything. Hugh was waiting so I called him and told him it was what I had suspected would be listed. There were some things I had come across in my initial preusal that I knew I would have to look up so I didn't want to go further into it without a way to look it all up. We finished breakfast and headed home where she dropped me off.

Ironically, I talked to the gentleman at the medical examiners office and told him about the upcoming in service that I am working on at the hospital. He asked me to let him know because he was very interested in attending if possible. I had peaked his interest when we had spoken during my interview with him over the phone reguarding George's birth and life. I was talking to the receptionist when he heard my voice and conversation and realized it was me and said it was nice to put a face to a name and that he was sorry it was under those circumstances. That was when I told him that it was ok and what I was doing with the hospital. That was when he asked me to please tell him because they were very interested there to learn about Mito.

When I got home, I went to my mom's and grabbed the video camera so Hugh and I could go to the ball to see Richard dance. He was wonderful and it was nice to have the break from the emotions that just seemed so overwhelming at the time. I was very proud of him and even got a chance to dance with him. He was much better then I was but it was a lot of fun. We got home and picked the boys up from my mom's. I stayed a little while I waited for Richard and Hugh went to go help with the church hoagie sale prep work for tomorrow. I went home eventually with the kids and began my prep work for Michael's birthday party tomorrow.

We all had a rough emotional afternoon/evening, especially Richard. It was nice to be here all together to be here as we each hurt in our own way. I don't know if having the information was better or worse. Hugh said tonight that he knows the pain won't get better but it can't get worse so that is a possitive thing...I guess?! Just a little while ago I sat down and read through the report from beginning to end. What a horrible thing for any parent to ever have to read. I'm not going to go into details but anyone in the medical field knows what they entail and they are very graphic. I hate the fact that they did that stuff to my baby to just come up with nothing...just like I said it would be! I know there are horrible people out there who do horrible things to their kids that make it such a nightmare for those of us who don't do those things.

Several things jumped out at me and I did have to look up some of the stuff. He happened to have an ear infection...we didn't even know that. It explained the funny thing he was doing that night with his one hand, it was the same side. He showed no signs of an infection and had just gotten over a cold and had been to the doc a few days before. The one thing that kept ringing in my head and was printed throughout the report was that he was a "robust well nourished and apparently well cared for male infant" I cannot tell you the solice I find in that. There is no way to explain why that has meant so much to me but it does...it was obvious to them that he was loved and taken care of and that was so important to me.

The other thing that really meant a lot to me was when I was reading the report. It gave you details of that day. They also noted that someone at the hospital had dressed him! I cannot tell you how much that meant to me. When I left him at the hospital he had a bunch of tubes and Iv's(all of which were noted in the report) in a diaper wrapped in a blanket. We had taken his pajamas home with us. Someone cared enough to dress my little boy for me and I cannot tell you what that means to me to know that he meant so much to others. Even now as I write this I have tears streaming down my face with the very thought of that.

They did run one metaboic test, an acylcarnatine profile. It was ran by the Mayo clinic and came back negative. The funny thing is that none of my boys had an issue in that profile ever! I was not surprised at all other then this is the only test for metabolic issues that they use. Ironically, there was an issue with his liver, lungs, and gastroesaphegeal junction that were enough for them to note in the histiology section. The liver thing is related to a fatty liver issue! It was sparse in it's presence throughout the sampel they had but it was there and has relation to metabolic stuff. Usually it is connected to Reyes Syndrome. They attribute that to use of aspirin but George NEVER had any of that, none of my kids have but it also found in people who have never used it either.

Some of his cultures came back possitive for staff, strep, and HIB. These were found in his spinal fluid, ear, lungs, and blood cultures. There were different strands of them. I'm not 100% sure I am reading that part of it all correctly but I will be getting some help from the SIDS foundation to read it all. I also want to have Ken look at it and see what he thinks of it. At this point I don't know what all the abnormalities add up to but they are things I need to look into and question. I just don't know enough in this area but as always I will find out and educate myself where this is concerned. I just pray to God I never need to know it again. Nothing was significant enough for them to feel he died from it but I still feel the need to look into it a little more until I understand it all.

I feel like I have been hit by a truck right now and am exhausted from the emotions of the day. Tomorrow is Michael's birthday party. We still opted to have it dispite how hard it is going to be. Many times I feel as if I am walking around stuck in this world that does not move yet the world around me keeps spinning. It is such an odd feeling sometimes. Please keep us all in your prayers as we come to terms with these things and try to keep moving forward one small step at a time. I miss my little monkey more then anything in the world right now. We are all having a hard time right now and although it seems like we are fine on the outside most of the time, we are dying inside or just literally going through the motions and barely keeping it together a good portion of the time. 8 weeks have gone by and it is no easier then it was the day he died nor do I ever feel it will be until we are reunited again someday in God's kingdom.

Memorial Quilt

When George died, a woman had offered to make a memorial quilt for our family from his things. We finally sat down and went through his clothes and things to decide what had a lot of meaning to us. We of course sent the outfit he came home from the hospital in, Thanksgiving outfit,Christmas outfit, the last outfit he wore, and many other articles that had some sentimental meaning to them. Hugh finally to them this afternoon to the post office. It kind of made me sad and happy at the same time.

I also emailed her photos of him to add if she feels the urge to do so. It was so hard to sift through all of those pictures of him and look for ones that had touched our hearts. I sent her several to choose from. Ironically, I found my mood changing as I looked at them. When I looked at the ones of him being born I just smiled remembering that day and how wonderful it was to finally have him as part of our family. As I progressed through each folder, I found my heart aching. I got to the final folder that had pictures of him in it and I just started to cry. It just made me so sad to know that he was no longer in any of the new ones.

I've done pretty good the past few days but I cannot tell you how it sort of sneeks up on you and hits you all at once. I miss him so bad. My heart just aches to hold him and although I cope better it doesn't hurt any less. This is the worst feeling in the world. It will be two months on Friday and it seems like it was yesterday or the absolute opposite...an eternity. I think the yesterday feelings come from the memories and the eternity feelings come from the pain you are left with.

Today we said good bye to our first person from Early Intervention, our social worker. Had George still been alive he will would have come to help with the paperwork and logistics of having a special needs child. He has become a part of the family so it was hard. Tomorrow it will be the boys developmental teacher Myra who we absolutely adore and who has watched the boys grow up. Next week it will be Michael's OT Nicole. It is so terrible to have to do this all right now. It is like having to say good bye to family members, they have known our family since Josh was admitted to the program years ago. In some ways we are closer to them then we are family members because they were here each week.

This is all just such a sad time in our lives. I had thought years ago when Richard's dad went to prison, that it was the worst but this is multiplied a million times. Trying to not let it gets to you becomes very hard. The insane things people say to you and trying to find a balance between wanting to punch them in their face and then trying to just be understanding is such a hard task. People you think would know better or should know better make it harder and in some ways I find myself distancing myself from them just so I don't have to endure the confrontations and feelings that come with them.

On an up note, I did call the hospital nurse who I have been working on. THey are all on board and she will have a final date and time for me hopefully by the end of the week. We will be doing the inservice in June and I am quite excited about it. I've contacted a few of the organizations about it to get literature and any other info they may have to aide us in this effort. Once I get their stuff I can sit down and see what we may need and come up with a game plan. It is going to be a good thing but it is just unfortunate that it took George dying to get to this point. I guess it has to start somewhere though.

I contacted the SIDS Foundation yesterday. The week he died they sent me a folder with information on requesting a copy of the autopsy. I have no idea where that is so I asked them to send it to me again. We still have no idea where things stand and I am getting impatient with it all. I want closure for crying out loud this is just torture!!! I'm hoping that we can get an answer soon. We have not heard from the SIDS foundation in about two weeks now...that is the longest stretch since he died. I don't know if I am greatful or sad. The sad comes from the fact that I was hoping that htey would be able to get answers sooner but I guess not since we haven't heard anything. The greatful for the fact it doesn't bring those moments of utter sadness hitting you from a phone call. I can't exactly explain it but I know we can call should we need to but for right now Hugh and I are probably going to attend the grief support group at the hospital that is the second week of the month. I don't know how much it will or won't help but it is worth trying out.

I am working on trying to get Joshua a music therapist or art therapist. He is having a tough time with this all and having a hard time working through his feelings. He cries if you look at him funny or is just plain old defyant. I know a lot comes from George's death because he sat with me the other day and talked about George for about 15 minutes. He keeps bringing him up...I let him talk about him but don't know what else to do for him. All of his behavior stuff started after George died so I definately think it is linked. I was sent an article on children and grief and all of this is normal I just want to make sure that he gets the sort of support that he needs in a way that is going to work for him. Out of all the kids I think he is the one having the most trouble coping.

One day at a time...one moment at a time right now!

Friends and Family

Yesterday we went to church with Richard and Michael. It was a good but emotional visit since it was Michael's first visit since George's service. Richard told Michael that we were going to see George...Michael did not understand that and I forsaw a host of problems in our future. I knew what Richard meant but Michael didn't. We were left to have to try and explain things once we got to church.

We took Michael over to George's grave. He stood there and asked where George was. We pointed to the ground and told him that he was under the dirt. Michael just looked at us puzzled and just kept asking since he didn't understand. Every part of me just wanted to cry standing there trying to explain this and hating the fact that I had to do it. This week was just full of moments I did not want to have but was forced to and right now I surely need a vacation.

I think we did finally explain it enough for him to understand at this point. He still was kind of confused but when we got back to my mom's he said he went to visit George at church so I guess he kind of got it. He had thought a doll on a chair in the toy room was George and once he picked it up he realized it wasn't. I think that may have been when he really understood at least as best as he could.

I was quite greatful to finally watch the recent Disney movie The Princess and the Frog. That is the first movie that has someone die in it. For the first time I have to say I was so greatful for something like that because I think it helped for the kids to understand a bit better. The firefly gets stepped on but finds his place up in the heavens as a star next to the love of his life. You saw them have a funeral for the firefly and the firefly return to heaven! I was so shocked but never more happy to finally see something able to explain things to the boys a bit better.

After church we went to my mom's where Josh was. My uncle happened to be there and he happened to have a dog that he was a foster parent for. The dog's family had droped him off at a store and my uncle told the store owner that he would watch it. I had just started to do the rsearch on dogs and service dogs and how to train them and work with them. She was a little shy at first but once she warmed up to you she was all puppy. She is 4 months old and already house broken(always a huge reason I didn't want a dog.) Richard was just in love with her and she took to him right away. She also took to me. The little boys are a little fast moving so it was harder for her with them.

She was a perfect size, not to big and not to small, and she has a great temperament. I sat there and prayed about it and when Josh turned to me and asked if he could have the dog, I just knew it was meant to be. She came with a $0 price tag which was even more inviting since we don't really have a lot of money to spend. We have taken her home and she did really well last night. She follows Richard and I around and has found comfort in the little boys too. We have to pick a name still and I need to really begin to look into training her. She is very smart and I think she will be a huge help in the healing process of the family.

After I said ok, I had to leave to go to a rehearsal. I am singing with a group of tallented people for a concert and we had a get together that I had to go to. There were a lot of great people there and my sister Tara is in it with me. My friend Maribeth was also there. It was a great way to just get away from the saddness from loosing Goeorge and find peace within myself. Music has always been a huge healer for me.

I find it kind of wierd when you see people for the first time following the loss of your child. People just don't know how to handle things or respond. My friend and I were sitting next to each other when she commented on my earings. I had bought them after George died, they are saphires and have 4 tiny stones. Saphires were George's birthstone and my favorite stone and I got them because of the 4 stones which stood for each of my boys. When she found out she just appologized to me. I told her it was ok but you could tell she was kind of akward with the comment for she did not want to hurt my feelings.

We got done after a great rehearsal and my friend, my sister, and I stayed outside chatting. Both my Tara and Maribeth were very careful as to what they said and talked about in my presence. You could tell that both of them were kind of akward with certain topics, especially children. Finally, Maribeth just asked me outright about Michael's upcoming birthday party. Her son is still young and she was worried about coming to Michael's party because she did not want to upset me.

That is when I just told them that I don't know what will hurt and what won't. I would rather it be with people I am comfortable then those who are strangers. Yes there are going ot be things that make me sad and things that I just cna't do but I still have to live life. Little kids are going to make me sad but they are also going to bring me joy. There has not been a day I have not looked at my own kids and cried because of the pain loosing George has brought and I mourn the loss of my own dreams for him.

I had thought about skipping Michael's party all together but knew I could not do it to him even though he probably won't ever remember it. Dispite my best efforts,I could not justify not having his party for him no matter how hard it was going to be on Hugh and I. There are going to be things that I am just going to be sad with like shopping in the baby section, watching friends whos kids were born around the time George was, baby showers, and all sorts of other things. They are all part of life though and that is what I am living so I will have to learn to cope dispite the pain they cause.

I cannot tell you how greatful that I was that she brought it up rather then not come because of that. Hugh and I appreciate a more forward approach rather then the huge elephant in the room feeling we get majority of the time. We are going to have good and bad times because this is now part of our lives and will be forever. People have said things that hurt but we have learned to know that they mean well or that they just don't really understand and that is ok. We are greatful for our friends and family who have been here for us dispite their own lack of knowledge and understanding. We would not want anyone to know this pain or the aftermath and feelings that go with it.

My sister and I started to talk a little more about it on the way home. She is pregnant so it has been akward for her since she is finding excitement and joy in her life that only carrying your child brings. I know this all to well and don't want to take that from her either. The thing that brought tears to my eyes was when she said that she has thought hard about using George's things. I never wanted to ask her because i know how sensitive she is and how she would want her own things for her baby. Most people don't want hand me downs from a baby that has died. The very thought of that made me sad as I had taken everything out of his closet and drawers this weekend. She told me she had thought hard about it and if she is having a boy she would be happy to take and use George's things. Even now I sit here crying because it has meant so much to me. I cannot explain why but it does.

Hugh and I have already discussed that very thing for ourselves. We both think that we could not really use his things for another baby we could possibly have sometime in the future when we are ready. Seeing another child of ours would be extrmeley hard for both of us because of the memories and the fact we would not want the baby or anyone feel like we are replacing George. We of course don't have to make that decision for a long time but it is something that you think about over and over again as you go through their things. I don't know if we will ever truly be at peace with these sorts of things but I know that we will get through it all no matter what.

Long Day

Today seemed like it was the longest day ever. It was such a busy and long day. I had a terrible night of sleep and tried to go back to sleep earlier in the morning. It just wasn't working so I just got up to start the day. Hugh went to help my dad finish putting up his privacy fence and took the boys to visit with my mom. I stayed home and began to clean up the house.

I started to clean and pick up and found myself going through the baby's stuff. There is a woman who has offered to take some of his things and turn them into a memory quilt. I decided it was time to go through his things and pick the items out that we wanted so that we could get them to her so she could begin to work on it. My god it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I began to look at all his things and cry knowing that most of it was either new or barely used. He had clothes that still had tags on them that we got him for Christmas. There were toys that he never played with. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life.

I prayed before I started it all to be able to know what to send. It took me a while but I think that I finally have the things we want to send her other then George's monkey towel for Hugh since he always gave him his baths. We put in a few of his blankets, his first Thanksgiving and Christmas outfits, his Phillies shirt, and several other articles of clothing that had special sentiment like the outfit we brought him home in. I know that eventually we will have to find a new home for all of his things. That is probably the hardest thing...what do you do with your childs things after they die? I'm going to keep praying about that until I feel comfortable with whatever it is that we decide.

Ken, the boys old ped, came over to visit today. It was nice to see him. I am so releived to have some dates to call the nurse with from Virtua and will begin to collect materials for the in service. I'm amazed at how willing they are to learn about this and I am so glad that we can make a difference. It is not going to change the world but I feel one more person who is educated is one more step towards a cure someday. Ken talked to both Hugh and I for a while and is always a great support in so many ways. We are so lucky to have him in our lives as a friend and surogate family member.

Of course our life is never dull. While Ken was here, I was inside talking to him and Hugh was outside with the kids and Richard's dad. Soon Josh came running in the house telling me that Michael just puked all over the inside of the van. I had no idea waht he was talking about until Michael came straggling through the door covered in it anc crying. I could not figure why. At first I thought it was the chocolate ice cream not agreeing with his tummy, but I could nto get over the fact he smelled like flowers. I put him in the tub and kept asking Josh what they were doing.

We came to find out that he had actually drank the flid from the car airwick air freshner I had put in there weeks ago. That of course sent us on a frenzy. I was taking care of Michael while Hugh called poison control. Thankfully we didn't have to do much...he had already thrown up so we just had to get him to drink milk. I just wanted to cry and you could see in Hugh's face the stress all come crashing down on his shoulders. The past several weeks have just been pure hell and he has been holding it all together until them. His face just spoke volumes.

Ken could tell this and started to talk to him and he just kept saying he needs a break away without the kids. Right now we can't afford it but hopefully in the next week or so we can get away even if it is only for the weekend. He really needs a night away in the worst way. It isn't the same if we stay here. There will always be something here for us to feel like we need to do and just the general memories that come with being at home. Ken has always been concerned about us keeping an open relationship since he saw his fall appart before his eyes and it was too late before he realized it. He never wants to see us suffer that same fate. It was good to have him talk to Hugh since when I talk to him it sounds like I am nagging but in reality I just care.

My parents even stopped by today. That was a huge thing. My mom doen't usually go out unless it is to a store. A few times she has come over but usually for a party or something. You should have seen the look on the kids faces when she walked in the door. Josh just kept saying...you are at my house!!! Boy they were excited and of course he wanted to go home with her. My dad drove the car home and my mom followed Josh on his bike.

Joshua is getting so big. Over the past few weeks he has grown up so much. He now dresses himself from head to toe. He is working on toilet training and doing wonderful with it. Tonight he slept the night at my mom's house. It is as if he is becomign a big boy over night. Suddenly, the little boy that I carried is now growing up in the blink of an eye. Michael is doing the same but he is still little and has an immaturity about him for now. I'm still greatful that Michael is younger and loves to cuddle and has that need for us still. I sat and watched the movie the Princess and the Frog with him tonight.

When I was not dealing with insanity, I was looking up information on dogs. That sounds like a lot but I am considering looking into a service dog for the boys. They have ones that can detect issues with the person when no one else can, especially seizures. I was always against pets but after more research I think a dog would be such a good companion and helper for the boys. There is so much info out there and I have to keep researching it but I think we would just feel better knowing that we have an extra set of eyes and ears on the boys, especially after today!!!

We really don't want a big dog though and may even consider just a small dog as a companion for them. Michael is terrified of big dogs and animals although he loves little ones. I always avoided pets for the amount of work that is needed but I have this pressing feeling on my heart that this is the way to go with the kids right now. There has also been a lot of people with tourretts that see benefits of having a dog so this could be good for everyone. We will see where God leads us and if this is meant to be we will come across the right people.

Tomorrow we have church. Richard is serving again and will also serve next week. This time of year is very busy with our church. I'm very greatful for that due to many reasons. I hope that tomorrow is not as crazy as today was because I think we need an emotional break from drama but we cannot seem to get away from it!

Trip to the ER 7 Weeks Later

Today we had our first trip back to the ER since George died. It was unexpected and my heart dropped when the doctor told us we needed to go there. It was for Hugh, not the boys so I was greatful for that. The very thought of returning to the place we lost our little boy just brought so much anxiety to me. There was nothing I could do and I guess it was God's way of making me face it head on...he is really getting me kind of mad when he pulls this stuff! I really could use a break from the chaos that always seems to follow us wherever we go.

Yesterday Hugh and my dad were putting up fence but had to work on a tree stump that was in my parents yard. The tree had fallen over in the recent storm and just made it easer for my parents to finally put up the privacy fence they have wanted for a while. Somewhere between the time we finally went home and the trip to his friends house for a night of relaxation, his eye started to bother him. When he finally got home I looked at it and didn't really like what I saw. I flushed it with solution and saw no particles so I put in an antibiotic drop and told him if it was not somewhat better in the morning he was going to the docs.

We got to the doctors office after hunting for a doc to take the insurance to only be told he needed to go to the ER. He had a corneal abrasion but the doc could not tell if there was any particles in his eye. The office could not find an eye doc in 50 miles that took the insurance and the people from the insurance company were useless. That meant only one thing...a trip to the ER. I think that both of our hearts fell to out stomach when we heard this. It was a new doc so he had no idea what had happened and what he was really asking us to do.

We pulled up to the hospital and that sinking feeling sat in the pit of my stomach. I had to drop Hugh off since there were no parking spots and then valet park the van. I walked around and came to those doors that I walked in the last time I held my little boy and walking in the door just took everything I had in me to do it. It was a step I needed to take but not one I was prepared for. Unfortunately, it was out of my control.

Both Hugh and I did really well with it all. I thought it was going to be harder then it was. Ironically, the staff was there that helped us when we brought George in. They had all gotten the monkeys I sent them earlier in the AM. Jen, the girl I knew from when I was growing up who was the one doing George's chest compressions, saw us and came in and started to talk to us. At first she didn't know what to say or how to really talk to us but once we got over the akwardness, it was a good thing for us. She lives down the street from us with her parents while they are waiting to settle on their house.

She told us that they had wanted to come to the service but didn't want to upset us that day. We told her that the web page on my letter was where they could watch his service and catch up with our family if they want to. She also told me the woman who I had spoken with yesterday about the in service was there and she was going to tell her if it was ok with us. We finally met her and I told her that Dr. Hirsch called and said he was on board with it and that he was coming over tomorrow and I would talk to him about it all. They told me that the ER staff was all excited about it and ready to really learn about it all. I can't tell you what peace I found in that. It meant that his life and death had true meaning behind it not just to us but to others.

We finally got home and put the kids to bed. They wanted a drink and what do I come across, two of George's baby bottles. I thought I had gotten all of them out of my cabinet but they weren't. Then I was on the phone when my mom accidentally asked me if I wanted her to invite a family member to "the baby's party" and I just started to cry. All of the days events coupled with it being 7 weeks now, I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I know she meant Michael but he is not my baby, George was my baby. She felt horrible and I know she didn't mean it but it was just so hard to hear.

This has just been one day of emotional roller coasters and I really thought that it wouldn't be that way. The past few days have been "good days" and the morning was ok so I thought this would be my first Friday that I would get through without feeling horrible. Boy was I wrong!!! These are the days I ask God what in the world he is thinking and how much more does he really think we can handle. Where in the world is our break from this all? In the end we will get through this too and at least we know there is hope for good to come out of this all in the end.