9 Months and No Easier

It has been 9 months since George went to heaven and it is no easier today than it was the day we said goodbye to him. In some ways it is even worse than it was that day. I cannot get rid of the horrible memories that still haunt me and will for the rest of my life. There are days it doesn't seem real and others where it is all too real! I don't know which way is better to be honest.

We spent the day today in the Magic Kingdom. It was a good day and the boys had a blast but it just seemed happy and sad at the same time. We enjoyed watching them have fun but knew part of us was missing as we relived moments we had with him in December. I talked to a man from Texas and was telling him about George as we waited for Josh to come off of Space Mountain(yes at 5 he rode that ride!). It was nice to be able to talk about him but sad too as I watched other children that are the age he would have been or were the age he was when we were there in December. It just leaves you with this empty feeling or just a feeling of sheer pain in your heart.

I did get him two ornaments for his Christmas tree while we were here. Last year I really didn't get him an ornament saying first Christmas...not one that I really liked anyway. Today I went in and bought a baby's first Christmas ornament with Mickey on it. I got to the desk and the girl commented on it and I asked her if she happened to have any old ornaments from last year and she said no. I figured so but at least I asked and got this one where I can put 2009 on it myself and put his picture in it. I had looked for a Mickey tree topper for his tree but it was just way to expensive coming in at around $35. I also purchased a few photo frames to put the pics in from our last visit and a pic of his hat here at Disney this time around. Every part of me wishes he was here wearing it. I cannot tell you how many people gave us odd looks as I took his hat to certain places and took a picture of it. None of them probably even knew the meaning behind it as they looked at me oddly. No parent should ever have to really do this sort of thing. At least we have gotten this set of firsts out of the way so hopefully the next trip here won't be as bad.

We head home tomorrow. Hugh will start his new jobs on Tuesday. I think we are both very anxious about it for good and bad reasons. Tomorrow we celebrate our 6 year wedding anniversary. I have no idea where time went or how we survived all that we have in the past 6 years. It seems as if it was just yesterday yet so far away as I think of the people we were then and are now. We have have our worlds turned upside down and are completely different people than we were back then...I thought things were tough then...boy was I wrong. I just thank God for the marriage we have and all the blessings we have been given despite all the garbage also thrown our way. There are times I would give anything to go back to that time and others I know we are better people because of our trials.

The past two years especially have been difficult. It is 2 years today that my grandmother returned to heaven, it will be 2 years a month from now when my grandfather followed her, and a year on Nov 15 th since Hugh's dad died too. So much loss in such a short time. I think about it all the time and how these past few years have just been a non stop whirlwind at times where I just pray for a break in the chaos at some point in time. Often times I feel like I am only allowed up for a quick breath only to be brought back to the same place I was just holding on for dear life trying to make the best out of bad situations. It becomes quite exhausting after a while. We will be facing much change in the coming months and I am really praying that it is all positive change and we are able to overcome this constant battle for just the "simple life" Either way we always make the best of it all and will still find a way even if we don't get that break ever in our lives.

Please keep us in your prayers as we travel home.

Thank God For Sunglasses

Yesterday was a hard day for me. We went to Downtown Disney to take the boys on the balloon they have there and T-rex. Unfortunately the balloon was not working so the trip was sort of a bust. I hadn't thought much about going there prior to going so I wasn't really prepared to be hit by it so emotionally. That was the one place we had a picture taken of our family in front of the water fountain. I actually had it made into a quilt for Hugh for Father's Day this year.

As we walked into the T-rex restaurant we walked past the table we had sat at just a few months ago with out little boy. All I could think of was how he was alive and he was here. How did we go from that to this? The food was good and we left but did not go into the gift shop where we had made him a stuffed dinosaur just like his brothers. Our old dog had chewed it's eyes and made us upset since it was really the only thing we had gotten him down here the last time we were here. I was not sure if I wanted to get one for Gabrielle but just didn't know if I felt like going back in there and having the kids make her one. I'm sure we will come back once she is here though and then we can make her one.

We headed over to the place where the balloon was at. I was fine on the walk until we got to the spot that we had sat and waited for Josh and my dad to take the ride. All that ran through my head was how I was feeding him and he was in his stroller and I had taken his picture. We waited and I held him. His beautiful smile and face just kept going through my mind. I was so thankful that I had a pair of sunglasses for the moments where it became so much tears would well up in my eyes as I thought of him and how much I truly missed him. Thankfully there were some shops around and I took a walk and looked through them.

My last walk was past the fountain. They were doing work on it so seeing it wasn't so bad but still brought that picture back to my mind. I then decided I wanted to find a picture frame here to put that picture in, the one of me with George in front of the castle, and the new one I took of his hat at the beach. There happened to be a little shop right near where we were leaving and I bought one of the photo frames in there and will have to look for the two other ones on the rest of our trip.

I know we will have lots of these first moments. The boys are so excited and have really enjoyed being here so I know it is not a place we can just avoid. All of these firsts are so hard to do even though we know they must be done. I hate at times that we have to do these things and know this sort of life/pain...it truly is like nothing I have ever felt before. The moments take you by surprise and hit you like a brick. It is like someone knocks the breath from you. I miss him so much and wish he was here with us, I want him back in the worst way even though I know it is selfish of me to want that.

Missing You But Keeping You With Us

Family in Florida

Well, we are here in Florida. The boys handled the trip like champs, yet again. I am so proud of these guys, they are such troopers. My mom was a trooper too as she drove with us and sat with the boys in the back while we drove and took care of them and all their needs while Hugh and I drove. We did stop half way at a hotel and they just thought that was great especially since it had a pool. They are still sound asleep right now and I am grateful since they really need to get some after all the travel...Josh especially since he had tummy troubles the whole way.

We are however off to visit my Aunt Joan today who I miss terribly since she moved down here to FL not that long ago. The two of us have always had this special bond that was just different then anything that I have with anyone else. She has had a tough life herself and always seems to understand things even if she did not experience them herself. Somehow she knows how to not demean your feelings or turn a conversation to be about herself even if she doesn't get it or necessarily agree. If she feels you are not thinking clearly she will bring it to your attention in an appropriate way and let you make the final decision. I didn't always see her all that often but knowing she was just a 20min drive away or a call away was always a comfort to me. When George died she was the one behind the scenes helping with his service when the rest of us just didn't have any more in us to do. Almost every single day she was there and I looked forward to seeing her and if I had needed her immediately she would have been there at just a call.

This trip is particularly difficult since the last time we were here George was with us. God do I miss him. I just kept thinking throughout the trip how he was with us. I was sitting in the back of the van taking care of him and playing with him. Last time when we got here he was so tired he fell asleep in the high chair that they had right in the middle of eating. When we got here last night that was all that I could think of and how much I really miss him. I miss his smile and holding him and just the sheer joy that he brought to me. One of the things I miss the most was how his face lit up when I walked in the room. It always made my day no matter how bad a day it was. We are not in the same house but that still does not erase the memories for me from the last time we were here.

I have however, realized that I cannot change the fact that he is not here with me. We need to still make memories with the boys. I would never take that from them. They are so excited and already have lost so much of their lives when George died. Somehow I have to make it through all these emotions and find joy in what I still have here no matter how hard it is for me. I know there are going to be lots of moments like these. They are the places and events you cannot avoid and have to find a way to face head on. It is so hard to do and requires so much energy but there is no way to avoid it so we forge ahead through it with God behind us helping us every step of the way. These bitter sweet moments will be throughout our lives now forever so just learning how to accept them all and move on through making the best of it all is really what is what will define who we are. There will be times we will handle it well and others we won't but they will surely mold us as individuals.

Please keep us in your prayers, I will update throughout the week even if it isn't as often. Thank you all who have followed this path in our lives...we just hit over 5000 hits in less than a year...what a huge accomplishment and honor it is to share our feelings and obstacles. I pray that it helps you to understand the very hard and difficult things as well as the blessings. There are so many raw emotions that people never talk about that I wanted to share in order to break the cycle that so many of us feel when in this situation. I have chosen not to hid anything in hopes for others to see this to possibly help someone else who will walk this path someday and give a better understanding to the process.

You Still Amaze Me Little Monkey

Here is an article recently written and sent out about our family! It still amazes me to this day how one little boy can change the world in such a positive way even when he is in heaven. We miss him so much but since he could not stay it is comforting to know that his life/death really had a purpose! I'm so thankful that God has given us the strength to share our gift from him with the world in such a great manner...there truly is no higher calling.

Family Finds Healing After Infant Loss

Nicole Garman knew that traditional therapy wasn’t going to alleviate the grieving process of her 11-year-old son, Richard, who lost his baby brother George to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) in January 2010. That’s why she was relieved when she came across a camp that offered a unique approach to helping children cope with death.

“I tripped over the Comfort Zone Camp webpage and thought Wow, this is exactly what I’m looking for,” Nicole said.

Richard’s two younger brothers, 5 year old Joshua and 3 year old Michael, suffer from rare mitochondrial illnesses. As the oldest sibling, Richard has developed a strong sense of leadership that often makes him neglect his own feelings in order to remain strong for the people around him.

“Richard is a leader, and he has to comfort everyone. He never wants to be helped even though he needs to be,” Nicole said.

Comfort Zone Camp finally gave Richard the opportunity to open up about the loss of his brother without feeling that he was burdening others. For the first time, Richard realized that he was not alone in his struggle and that there were people out there who genuinely understood what he was going through. This idea of understanding was not only felt by Richard, but also by the rest of his family.

At the parents’ dinner the first night of camp, Nicole noticed that most of the adults shared a common concern about their children. “One theme across the board was that our kids wouldn’t talk to us about their loss,” said Nicole. “It didn’t make a difference if they lost a parent, sibling, or uncle, they just weren’t talking to us. Once they came home from camp, they finally opened up and had the ability to communicate.”

Nicole feels that many barriers existed in their family before Richard went to camp. Richard’s camp experience helped to eliminate these barriers and strengthen communication at home.

“Comfort Zone Camp bridged that gap between all of us so that we’re no longer off in our own individual worlds. It let us figure out how to make sense of this new sort of life,” Nicole said. “It not only help Richard, but it helped the whole family.

On the way home from camp, Richard turned to his mom and asked if they could hold a fundraiser for Comfort Zone Camp. In order to give back to the organization, the Garman family held a benefit brunch on what would have been George’s first birthday.

“I did it because it was someone else’s generosity that made it possible for my son to attend the camp. Had someone not stepped up to raise the funds, or volunteer, Richard wouldn’t have been able to attend,” Nicole said.

The Garman family has faced their fair share of hardship, but it gives them peace of mind to know that Comfort Zone Camp is a safe haven that they can always turn to for help. Although Richard has only been to one camp, he intends to stay on board for the long haul.

“He’s a natural-born leader, and has already talked about becoming a camp counselor one day,” Nicole said. “It will be with him for life.”

Keeping the Faith

As I have always said, I have had faith that things would work out. That isn't to say I didn't ever understand any of it but just putting my faith in God that things would eventually work out. I knew I could not change things but had to remain patient and trust in God. Today some prayers were answered and things are now moving in God's time, as they always do. Hugh finally got a job...well two to be exact! He went for an interview at Sears and was offered a part time job. He of course took it since something was better than nothing. When he got home he got an email about the job that we thought had fell through which is full time and has benefits!

We are hoping that the full time one will let him start on the 1st of November so he can go to Florida with us all. It was last minute that they got back to him so we are hoping that they are going to be understanding. I remember when I sent the job post to him and had this feeling that he needed to apply and it was where he was suppose to be. When things kept falling through I kept telling him to be patient and that I still had a feeling about this position. It was an added position rather than one that they needed to fill so they could take their time with it rather then rush to get someone to take the spot. The guy took weeks to get back to him and I told Hugh to send him one more email and if he didn't hear anything than it was not meant to be but that I still had that feeling. Low and behold...there was an email saying they are starting training!

He is having some issues with going back to work. Although he is happy and excited he is scared too. Not only will he be starting in a completely new field, he will be leaving the kids. There are so many emotions that come with that sort of thing. He was blessed to have spent the past two years at some of the best times of their lives with them. A lot of men don't particularly care for this sort of life...being a full time at home dad, but for Hugh it was kind of like getting with his kids the things he never had with his own dad and family. I still believe God gave him that time for many many reasons! Just moving from something you were comfortable with and going forward with the unknown part of life especially with all that we have gone through it is definitely scary and sad at the same time...but I believe that it is what keeping faith is all about.

Ironically prior to all of this, I had an appt to check on Gabrielle at the docs office. It is always my time to read and reflect on things and I happened to pick up this scripture book that I forgot I had bought a while back during our trip to Lancaster. I went through reading the different verses of scripture and highlighting those that spoke to my heart. Even before knowing all of this these are the ones that I had pulled from the book and actually posted on my Facebook account.

Scripture that Touched My Heart Today
I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Philippians 4



6In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

1 Peter 1



19 I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.

20 I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.

21 Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:

22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.

23 They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

Lamentations 3:19-24



20 Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.

Psalm 71



24However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.

Acts 20



15 I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you."

Genesis 28

Looking back on these passages, I know God was leading me to them. He always speaks to my heart in good times and bad. I remember about a week ago when my sister Tara said to me that her and my older sister were talking to one another. They were worried about us loosing the house and all that we were going through. Tara said that she told Michelle that she didn't know how it would work out or how I had the faith that it would but if anyone would be able to do it, it would be me. Somehow in all the unbelievable life trials I have found what true faith is all about. That doesn't mean you ever understand any of it because I am human and have my moments of asking why but somewhere deep inside I know God's plans for me and where he is leading me. I've learned to listen to those feelings and know they are God whispering to my heart and leading me where he wants my family and I to be.

I often times know that sometimes all though it is hard on me, I know that God is teaching someone else a lesson through our suffering. He knows that Hugh and I will survive it all and not loose our faith where if he were to test the other person he is teaching a lesson to would turn from him. Others would have turned to drugs, alcohol, and many other addictions had they been given our trials where we have just become stronger in our faith and learning how hard faith truly is to have yet how important it is to keep especially in times of trial. I think of Job and how his faith never waived and truly know that feeling. There are many who could not fathom our lives and how we are making it through but it is with God's amazing grace(the very reason Gabrielle has the name she has and the middle name Grace, she was our gift shown to us through God's grace and love)

Today I also got a call from someone at the grief camp that Richard attended. They wanted to interview me via phone for an article they are going to be writing. Our family story has touched them and our efforts for the camp they felt worth to add to their newsletter. George and our family are making a difference in this world through such tragedy. It just proves every single day that my son's life and death had such a greater purpose here than I had ever anticipated. I cannot tell you how great an honor it is to be called by God to do his will and change the lives of others. It is such an overwhelming and honorable calling that I never feel worthy enough to undertake but am so thankful for his faith in us to trust him with our lives and know his love in such a great capacity. Faith is not easy to come by but it is such a great freedom and gift that you never want to let it go once you have found it.

It still hurts to not have George here and I will always and forever yearn to be with him and await the day I will be able to do that again. Somehow through all of the pain and suffering I know that God is there and knows our pain and is walking with us telling us that there truly is a reason behind it all. I still go back to the song listed here as the first song Before the Morning...I have been playing this over and over again when all of it just doesn't make any sense to me.

We leave Friday for Florida. It will be very emotional but much needed. Please keep us in your prayers as we travel and undertake this emotional obstacle for our family.

Revelation 21

The New Jerusalem

1Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. 2I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. 3And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

5He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."