I Will Carry You (Audrey’s Song)

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

[Chorus]
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says ...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

Audrey Caroline

Loving You

Little boy, the weather is breaking and with each new flower that blooms, my thoughts turn to you. The sun was shining in the front window this morning and the warmth that I felt just like you were able to wrap your arms around my neck...I know by now you would have been able to do that and I wish I had been able to have that moment with you but it was just not meant to be. What I wouldn't give to actually have been able to see you do the simple things in life that so many people take for granite.

You have truly changed my parenting. Today your brothers were outside since the weather had broken. The two of them made a huge mud puddle! I walked outside to Joshua jumping in it. Rather than getting mad and yelling at them, I let them continue. Inside the house you could hear them giggling and loving every single moment of it. Josh came in the house with brown socks that had started out white. Prior to you dying I would have been upset but instead I just loved hearing them playing and laughing...never again will I take anything like that for granite. I thank God for everyone of these moments now in a way I never did before.

Your sister fell asleep in her bouncer today. She looks so much like you and especially there in that bouncer, your favorite toy! It is a different bouncer cause daddy and I just couldn't see her using yours but even with it not being the same she still looked so much like you. It reminded me of how much fun you had in it. I am so glad I didn't wait to put you in it like I thought I should. You spent hours in there and it brought so much joy and giggles...things I will never forget.

I am so glad that somehow I am finding a way to at least smile now when I think of you. For so long just thinking of you made me sad. I still cry every time I think of you but now sometimes it is happy tears. Often I just thank God for letting me be your mommy and for having you for as long as I did and to get to know your personality. We had a special connection and you taught me so many things that I never would have learned had you not come into my life. I love you so much and always will! Sending you hugs and kisses to heaven from mommy!

Feeling Like Job

ok, I officially feel like Job. All that has happened in my life I would always take solace that I at least had my health and that I was ok. Today I went to the docs and that all changed for me. I had decided after I had Gabby that I was going to start taking care of myself so that I could take care of my family better. That being said, I knew it included my health and I had not been to the doctors office in a while for a basic check up.

At the visit I told him about back pain I have always had and trouble I started to have with my hips during my pregnancy with Gabrielle. He ordered an xray of my lower spine and hips. The hips came back fine put the spine said I needed further evaluation. I had a Cat scan on Friday which came back with a whole host of problems and now I am going to have to have a lot of other things ran. We are starting simple with another cat scan of my pelvis and abdomen hoping to knock out some of the questions about my kidneys and also take a look at my small intestines and stomach for IBS/Chron's Disease vs Lupus. No matter the case, at least I know I was not crazy and needless to say I was surely thrown for a loop with it all.

Personally I am just so emotionally exhausted after the continual ups and downs we have had to face. It seems as if there is never a break in all the chaos. What I wouldn't give for a few days of just me time where I don't have to do anything for anyone and could just lay in bed and forget the rest of the world exists for a while. There are times when I sit here and ask God what in the world he is thinking, wasn't George dying enough or putting our house into foreclosure enough...no now my health too? Come on man! Every part of me could just give in and say I am going to let this get the best of me but I can't allow that and know in the end I will yet again rise since I know God is walking with me.

Right now as of the moment and for the next few days I am sure I am just going to feel very overwhelmed with it all. In the end however, it won't get the best of me and I will overcome this too. I know God has a greater plan for me and as long as I keep doing his will and trying to do what I am called to no matter how bad things get than that is ok. My faith does not waiver even though I don't always understand my calling or why things happen to me. I have walked with this pain now for quite sometime...getting the news is only putting a name to what I have been dealing with. I just pray for God's guidance and help through whatever it is that my future holds. I won't let anything get the best of me no matter how bad it seems and I am going to continue to be the person I am.

In so many instances good and bad, I know God was at work. People would judge me without really knowing the path I walked. I will never forget how so many people have turned away from us especially in our time of need just because they didn't understand choices or decisions we made. They didn't realize that often times there was more than what they knew was involved and that even though things seem cut and dry they aren't for our family. I am glad that God is my judge and not people because often times they just don't get it. I am also thankful that I know how hard it is to be judged by other who don't understand because it has made me a less judgemental person towards others. I may not agree but I accept that we all have free will and I may not be seeing it all.

I just ask that you please keep me in your prayers as I walk this path.

Birthday

Today was my second birthday without my little monkey. I just felt so very off today. It really didn't seem any different than any other day. Hugh got me a precious moment and flowers so that was really nice. Other than that we just bought things and made dinner over at my mom's for my family. It was nice to be with them all, although I kind of felt like I was going through the motions of the day. I really miss my son especially on days like these. I used to look forward to these things but now I am just happy when they are over.

Yesterday I went to a birthday party for a friend's son who turned 1. It was very hard for me to be at the party but the kids had a blast. She was so wonderful and honored George by having a monkey balloon and other balloons to write on with his picture there. It took everything I had to not just start crying, knowing my son never got to see his first birthday. She even had monkey cupcake wrappers and lollipops for the kids. I feel so very blessed to have her in my life and to have her think of my and my little boy in that way. As hard as it was, it was also such a beautiful tribute that touched my heart in a way I cannot explain.

I found it very ironic how we have really learned who our friends are through all of this. We learned really quick who is really here for us and who isn't. There were quite a few surprises that came our way with all of that. Two people I didn't expect to ever become close with have now become two people who have found a way to think of me and touch my heart by honoring my son or just being here for my family. My ex husband's ex girlfriend has become one of my best friends who I feel very close to and that I can talk to...she even came out yesterday to help me with the kids without having to ask her. This other mom who's son's party it was is going to be doing a fundraiser in George's honor and has always shown me some sort of compassion in some way on all those very big events and moments and really gone out of her way for us.

All of that said, I thanked God today for the gift of life and for choosing me to do his work in whatever capacity it is. I thanked him for the gift of my family and friends. I thanked him for my son and asked him to please kiss and hug him for me and tell him how much I miss him since I cannot do it myself.

Unlikely Common

Today I watched my niece Mallory while my sister Tara worked. It was a rainy day and in the morning it was just the two girls and Hugh and I since the boys were all in school. I sat there watching my daughter and my nice. As I stood there watching them both and was so grateful they have one another to grow up with, part of me realized how very different they are but how very alike they are too.

Both girls are really polar opposites if you look at them. Deep down they have something connecting them though and for the first time it really hit me. Both girls have a big brother in heaven. They each will never know them personally. Each girl brought to the family a joy in the middle of the storms of our lives and don't even know how much they really mean. They are both rainbow babies.

Thinking of the two of them made my mind wander to George and my nephew Gavin. I know I have randomly mentioned Gavin but I have never really gone into detail or expressed how thankful I am to God for his very existence in my life. He is my sister Tara's first baby that returned to heaven 12 weeks after God blessed my sister's womb with him. We never got to meet him face to face. My sister has pictures from her ultrasound, and I remember my first glimpse at him on that black and white screen as I sat there in a chair pregnant with George rolling around in my belly. Little did we know at that point in time that both boys would return to heaven much sooner than any of us had planned.

My sister found out not long after that first meeting that my nephew had a rare condition where his heart and intestines were not enclosed into his little chest. Doctors had told her this information and I remember her world coming in around her and feeling so helpless as I watched the torture and torment wash over her in the next few weeks. There was nothing I could do to help her other than be there for her. I went over to her house one day when she had gotten the news of this disorder the baby she carried had. My heart went out to her since I knew how horrible it was to get news that there was something seriously wrong with your child and that it could ultimately kill them. Mine did not come in the form of a black and white picture but rather a letter in the mail. Even though I knew it, I remember crying on my couch all alone as I red the information that diagnosed Joshua. My dreams had all been destroyed in that very moment and I knew that was exactly what she was going through.

The next few days were a whirlwind of emotions. No one really knew what to do for her. People tended to say the wrong things without even knowing they were doing so. Everyone learned real quickly that there was no easy way to handle the situation and that often times saying nothing is better than trying to make it better, ok well not everyone. I remember calling CHOP to find out what the doctors there could do if anything and made an appt for my sister and her husband to meet with them to see what the future may hold for their son. Unfortunately, he never made it to that appt. His little heart stopped beating and Sept 29th 2009 he returned to heaven.

I remember standing there with my little boy in my arms aching and dying inside for my sister. Having had scares of loosing my own children always made me so scared and we even had a conversation Christmas day that year after we had gotten short with one another about that very thing. She tried to explain to me how she felt while I stood there trying to explain my feelings and told her how I worried every day of my life that one day I would wake up to find one of my children dead in their bed. I also told her how I always had felt that one of my children would die and I knew the day George was born that I felt it was him but I had hoped that I was wrong. Unfortunately, I was not wrong and just a few short weeks later we were standing in the hospital saying our final goodbyes to my son too.

Tara always told me how George helped her through her loss of Gavin and would tell him to make sure Gavin knew she loved him. Little did she know that the nephew I never got to meet has always had a special place in my heart and given me comfort through my loss. Somewhere deep inside, I know that George and Gavin are in heaven together. It always saddens me that George never got to really know his brothers or grow up with them. After some thought, I realized that the two of them get to be together in heaven and although they are not blood brothers they are brothers none the less and will get to be close in their own way. I am so grateful that George has someone to be with up there and although that sounds kind of odd, I can't really explain it what it means to know he is not alone. I had always hoped our kids would grow up together and Mallory and Gabby will but Gavin and George have their own special bond too.

Often times when Tara and I sit here together we find ourselves crying. We talk about George and I thank God for the relationship that we have and how close we have become. Part of me thinks that Gavin was put here so that Tara would be able to understand my pain and that we would forge a special bond that not everyone understands. Had she not had Gavin and felt the pain of her loss I don't know if she would have really understood what I am going through since she knows how hard it was for her with all that she went through. Often times when no one else seemed to understand and I felt like I was loosing my mind and myself she was there to lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on when no one else understood my pain. All of this was possible all because of my nephew.

I think of Gavin all the time and how the two of our boys are waiting in heaven for us. When all is said and done, he was my nephew and my heart broke when he went to heaven but I still thank God for him every day. He changed my life and has also helped me to heal in a way I can't exactly explain. Our two little girls somehow are physical reminders of our son's and God's greater plans in our lives. Had both boys lived, neither girl would be here. Our lives would be very different and we would not be the people we are today. The relationship we have would be different. It is ironic how two little boys could change the lives of so many people and not even know it. I thank God every single day for both of them and find that they have shown how we each can make a difference just by our sheer existence and how God's plan is much greater than our own even when we cannot see any sense in it at the time. There are always breaks in any storm and ours happened to have a rainbow to show God's promise! Thank you Lord for your blessings in the storm!

Birthday Wish

My birthday is Sunday. Everyone asks me what I want for a gift. Every single part of me wants to just say "my son" Of course I never say that and just say nothing because there just is nothing that I really want. So many things just become unimportant after your child dies. Big days and events just always feel like something is missing, and it is. I never got to have a birthday with my little monkey except when I was pregnant with him...he died before I ever got to celebrate it with him.

I remember being pregnant with him and how happy I really was. There was just this connection I had with him even before he was born. Hugh and I were always so happy to have another baby even when others weren't. I was so proud to name him after my grandfather and remembered crying when I found out he was a boy, not because he was a boy, but because my grandfather was not alive to see me name him after him. My grandfather and I became so close the last month of his life when I went to take care of him daily for several hours. He had his flaws but he was a man with a huge heart and I was so blessed to have had that time with him.

I was not the only one to have a different connection with George. Richard told me tonight on the way back from his counseling session about how he felt that way. He looked at me and asked me if I knew what he was talking about because his counselor didn't know. As soon as he said that, I new exactly what he was talking about. It isn't that you love anyone else any less it is just different. He said how he had it different than the one he had with his other brothers from the moment he held George at the hospital. I then told him that maybe God gave us that connection with him since he knew he was only going to be here for such a short time...I don't really know but I found it ironic that Richard felt the same way.

With Gabrielle coming closer to the age George was, that does not make this any easier. Yesterday, I was here alone with her and just cried like a baby myself. I stood there changing her and could no longer just keep the tears at bay. They just flowed as I stood there sad for myself and happy at the same time. I stood there thanking God for her and yet wishing that George was here...so many mixed emotions. There is only so many minutes in the day that you can really keep it together. I find that if I try not to cry when I finally do it is like the flood gates open and there is no keeping anything at bay anymore.

As I sat there waiting for Richard tonight there were other parents waiting for their kids too. Somehow we got on the subject of our kids and I wound up getting into a conversation about George. I hate the question how many kids do you have. If I say 4 I feel guilty for leaving George out and if I say 5 I have to go into some odd explanation. Tonight I opted for the explanation, I just couldn't leave him out. They asked me how many kids I had and how old they were so there was no avoiding the explanation and the looks of pity that came with it or the look that comes where the person wishes they never asked. I hate those looks but I am getting used to them now, even though I hate them.

The one lady said I was very calm as I explained it and than asked how long it has been. I told her a little over a year and she turned to me and said well at least it isn't new...it took everything I had to not yell at her or loose it. Instead of that, I sucked it up and just told her that it isn't any different the day that they die than it is any other day, you just have to keep moving forward and get better at it. I told her the pain doesn't get any less. For the rest of my life I will just have to learn to deal with it.

All of these things are hard to deal with but I just tell myself that it is par the course and that part of it all is why I share his story with so many. This is also the reason I keep this blog. I want others to realize how this is not exactly what they may think. In some ways I hope that it helps another person not have to go through the same stuff I am by having more people that are understanding. I don't lie or sugar coat things and share my raw emotions even though others may get upset about it or not understand any of it.

The boys have a care page that I used to keep up but I always got a lot of flack for things I posted by people who just didn't get it or just read way to much into it. I am probably one of the people that can be trusted with just about anything but if I am not told to not say anything than I will unintentionally just say it because I am honest and what you see is what you get. Not everyone can handle that sort of thing and then there are those who appreciate it. This blog is kept for myself and those truly interested in walking the path of grief with a mother who lost her child and all the ups and downs that come with it. This path is full of ups and downs and I can honestly say is hard to understand if never walked, because even though I thought I was understanding, I could only empathize, not sympathize with people who had been here before me and it truly is a different thing where this is concerned.