The past two days have just been beautiful outside. It has just been wonderful for the little boys since this is their time of year. Heat tolerance is a huge issue for them both so it has been so nice to not have to run after them with cooling vests and worry about their temps rising. Michael has already started with the red cheeks even in 64 degree weather! They have been outside the moment the can drag Hugh or I out the door.
It brings much joy but also some sadness. I always thought I would be able to take George outside on days like these and go for walks. It just saddens me to know he never got to see my favorite time of the year. Hugh and I had bought him a new stroller just to be able to be out and about on days like today. He barely used the car seat that went with the stroller and if we used the stroller once or twice we were lucky! It makes my heart happy to see the boys enjoying themselves but also makes me realize that missing part that will forever be missing.
Hugh and I have began to plan the memorial garden for George. We want the plants to be able to come back each year so we are not having to constantly replant things. His little corner of our yard will have lots of yellow, white, and orange flowers in it. I bought a few bulbs at Walmart the other day to start us off. His stone came in a while ago(it is just beautiful) and I have one angel statue. I found a beautiful fountain that we want to put in the center with his stone. It is going to be beautiful and a place we can go to and find peace and feel close to him.
The past two nights I have been having dreams of him. For a while I wasn't having any with him in it and it was quite disappointing. Going to sleep just brought anxiety because I would wake up and have a panic attack just around the time we found him. I still have them randomly but they are getting fewer and further between. Now sleep brings me close to him. I can hold him in my dreams and be his mommy. I can kiss him and hug him. It is only temporary but it is so real and for that time I have total peace. I see his face in my mind so vividly and it is as if I am really holding him. Daylight comes and I wake to my new reality but am so grateful for the moments of sleep where I can escape the hell of not having him here.
Today I had to bad moments from really stupid things that triggered them. I was in a cleaning mood with the weather being so nice and having not cleaned since he died. There is so much that has to be done but I have found it hard to have the energy or desire to do any of it. My goal was to clean the kitchen. I started to work on it and as i was going through the refrigerator I found a half eaten jar of baby food tucked in the way back corner. I just sat there and cried. Who would have ever thought a stupid jar of baby food would make you cry like that.
My other experience today was tonight. I was taking a shower and getting my pajamas on. On the sink was his bottle of baby shampoo. Earlier in the week I had cleaned hte bathroom and put all of that stuff away. I knew it was still under the sink but to find it partially empty on the sink just did me in. Hugh had ran out of the little boys regular stuff and forgot to tell me so he just used the baby's stuff. It just made me so sad. I just miss him so much.
A little while ago I got an email from a woman who came into our lives when we did Joshua's first fundraiser. Her granddaughter had been diagnosed with Mito and she read the article in the newspaper about Josh and got a hold of me. Since then we have still kept in touch. Her granddaughter has always had a lot of complications. She was so dumbfounded when she met with us and saw my kids running all over the place when that was not her experience with the disease. I have thought a lot about them over the past few weeks especially since her granddaughters disease is progressing and I know they hold their breath every single day.
Recently her daughter was also diagnosed with the disease. My heart goes out to them all. They all knew in their hearts that she had it too but seeing it in black and white is just something that takes your breath away. I remember the day I got Josh's results in the mail and how I just cried even though I knew that was what was going to come back. You just can't prepare for that moment. It is kind of like when you get the disease diagnosis, you know the worst case scenario and try to prepare for it. I can honestly say, we have lived the worst case scenario(death) and you can never prepare for any of it. My heart goes out to their family as they mourn their dream of the lives they had planned for themselves and one another. May God give them all the strength they need while they go through this road set before them.
Tomorrow night Hugh is finally going out to try and relax with a friend of his. I am so glad he is going out. He really needs and deserves it. I am so lucky to have him in my life and I thank God for him every day. He is such a wonderful husband and father. We have our moments just like anyone else does but each one of them brings us closer in the end even if temporary we distanced ourselves. For many couples, they find themselves pulling appart from one another when they go through something like this. Fortunately, we are doing the opposite. Just when I think we cannot get any closer or have a better relationship, something proves me wrong. We are both hurting terribly but we are also both very strong and draw from one anthers strengths where we are weak. God truly blessed me the day he put Hugh in my life and I thank him for that every single day. I can't immagine where I would be without him.
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