Today would have been my grandfathers birthday if he were still alive. I have yet to figure out if you age in heaven or not but just in case...Happy Birthday Opa. I remember when he died and later found we were going to have a little boy. There was nothing that made me second guess naming George after him. I was lucky to have taken care of him at the end of his life and got to know him on a much more personal level then anyone else did.
My grandfather was no saint by any means. He had a tough life and made some extremely poor choices. Once he had come to realize his indiscressions, he eventually found his faith. His belife in God was amazing and he was never afraid to die. I was always profoundly touched by that very fact. He had also been through so much and at the end of his life proved that no matter what you do in your life that we all have a chance to know God's love and forgiveness. I beleive that God used my boys to show him that very thing as we walked him that last road home that last month of his life. I was so lucky to have been able to know him like I did. George was named after a man who struggled through life and knew many hardships and overcame poor choices to at the end of his life know God in such an intimate way. I remember crying when I found out George was a boy but not because he was a boy but becuase my grandfather was not here to see the great grandchild that shared his name. THe irony is that now they are together much sooner then I ever thought they would be.
Today was an ok day. I did accomplish quite a bit so it was good in terms of productivity. All of the laundry got done except for the one load in the dryer right now. It has been a long time since I can say I was able to do that. While I was doing laundry I began to put things away in the laundry room. I happened to come across two pillows I had washed. One of them smelled like George and I don't know how in the world that was possible since he didn't really use it and it had been washed. It was so odd, I picked it up and then was taken back by the immediate trail of memories that flooded my mind. I debated if I should tell Hugh but I took the pillow up to him and he just held it and the two of us cried knowing how much we both missed him.
I finally finished addressing and labeling all the thank you notes from his service. That was a huge feat because it just takes so much emotionaly to be able to do that. We wound up sending a lot of cards because we could not remember who really sent what in terms of gifts and food. Those days just seem like a huge blur other then the really bad parts which we can reccolect every second of. Even looking back at the service, we noticed people we didn't even realize were there the day of. It is amazing how you can remember parts of it but others are just totally blank. I'm sure that everyone will understand and if we missed anyone they won't be upset about it because we appreciated everything everyone has done for us. We were so blessed to have so many people come to support us through it all.
The other thing I was able to accomplish was starting the process for the records request. I want to get copies of his records from the hospital. Every facility is different so I contacted them via email to find out their policy. I had to call the actual hospital and they are sending me a realease form. There are apparently 18 pages from that day. They charge you a dollar a piece for each page. It will be hard to get them in the mail but I know it is something I need to do. We are still waiting on a finalized autopsy report since it is still pending toxicology reports.
Our weekly phone call from the SIDS foundation did not happen today. I am kind of glad but then again they will probably know before we do about the finalized report. The very fact that they get that information before we do just makes me so mad. We didn't even ask for them to be involved and yet they can get the information and they don't evne know us. Hugh and I are greatful that they care and that there are people out there to support us like that but the whole process is very upsetting. We understand protocol and all of that but it is sad to think that you have to go through this and it is made worse by the time it takes and all of those who wind up being involved without your consent. You just feel very violated.
We will be greatful when this part of it is over.
I think this waiting just makes it all so much more difficult. Somehow you are left in limbo and can't really go forward until you have that finalization. We are all doing a little more each day dispite the huge effort it truly takes to be able to do just that. Our faith has not waivered but has rather gotten stronger dispite everything that has happened. Saying that doesn't mean that we aren't mad and upset at God for what he has chosen to do but I think that is part of it all. It is kind of like being mad at your parents for things they did that you didn't like as a kid. As an adult you can look back and realize why your parents did what they did but at the time it was happening you were just mad and upset with the entier situation.
I know that in time things will work out but right now it is as if it will last forever. years ago when Richard's dad went to prison, i thought that I would never get through that. My world had been turned upside down. Every time I would hear a car door slam, I would panic thinking it was the FBI. Now whenever there is a big commotion in the house I start a panic attack. I will be downstairs and Hugh will begin to walk with a heavy foot or run after the kids or raise his voice and panic just takes over. I know from my previoius experience that in time it will subside but for the time being it is just so overwhelming. I know God will not lead me to a place where there is not outlet or a place where he will not walk with me. When those really bad moments come and I am mad at him, I also find comfort in him. I hope to someday understand all of this but for now I hope to just get through the days as best as I can.
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