Addicted

The past few days have just been very hard and I don't really know why. Today we went to visit Hugh's brother and his family. It was such an awsome day for all the kids and both Hugh and I. We both really needed the day out. On the way home the little boys fell asleep and I just started to cry. It made me think of how George never got to take that trip to Uncle Glenn and Aunt Ellen's house to play with the boys. He would have been sitting back there with his brothers sound asleep on the way home and suddenly our filled mini van just felt empty.

Many thoughts have rolled through my mind these past few days. The rain has always affected my mood and ironically George was the only one who could make me smile. Rainy days became our day to cuddle and laugh, something I had missed in my life until he came into. Somehow he showed me that the rain brought life. It took me until now to realize that is what he was for me and so many other people. The saddness of loosing him has changed so many and made people go from the mundaine day to day stuff to actually living. It is like that break of sun that comes through the clouds after it rains.

I have to say that I am not yet at the point where I am living. Ever ounce of who I am still mourns the loss of my little monkey. The smile on my face is plastered there hoping that keeping it there, will one day lead to it staying and me actually meaning it. All of this has lead me to think about grief and how in the worst way you want to just be through it and done with it all. The sadness that fills your heart you yearn to purge from your existence yet somehow you just can't do that. You want the pain to go away and would rather have been ran over by a truck then feel the pain of your heart being shattered into a million pieces as you scramble to try and figure out how to put that puzzle of a million pieces back together.

Tonight I realized that the whole grief process is sort of like that of an addict. If you have ever been addicted to anything you will understnad once I begin to explain. I am an addict to food and have been my whole life. It was not until I had a gastric bypass almost 11 years ago was I finally able to loose the weight. Many family members of mine have had addictions to alcohol and drugs. I was also on the flip side of the coin when I was the spouse of an addict. Fortunately, or unfortunately, it has given me a greater perspective on life in general.

Now how does that relate to the loss of my angel? I was addicted to my child. I was addicted to his smile, his laugh, his smell, and the very joy that he brought to me. Whenever I was feeling bad I could go in his room and pick him up and cuddle him. We would do lots of stuff but anything that made the kids happy because their happiness just brought us more happiness for we knew and understood the innocence of that joy and how very pure it was. Somehow children have a pure understnading of life and just see it in a different way then we do and teach us how to live life in their own way. No matter how sad or upset I was with life, George was the very thing that brought joy to my life.

Every day since he died it has been like quitting cold turkey. There was nothing to prepare us or help us through this horrible loss. Well, at least that is how it feels in our minds at times. The loss of a child is something that is difficult to exlain to others so you feel very alienated a good portion of the time. Any addict will tell you, they too feel that way. Many times I would feel that way as I watched thin girls who were not very nice get the guys in school and they could eat whatever they wanted and never struggled like I did.

I remeber being overweight and sneeking to the bathroom to eat so no one would know I was doing it. When I put on a happy face and then go to my room to cry, that is how I feel when trying to cope with the loss of my little boys beautiful smile. On the outside you look fine to everyone else and put on that front so no one will know that you are dying inside. Every part of you wants to do better but you just feel as if you can't but there is no way you will let anyone know that inside you are truly week.

There are the moments of denial. I cant tell you how many times I have gotten up to think about how I was going to do something with George. Suddenly, I am hit with the hard reality that it was just my hopefullness that he was still here or the fact I just forgot for that moment. I still look at his picture and wonder was he real? His urn sits on my fireplace and has his name and date of birth and death on it and rationally I know the remains of his body are there but in my mind it is as if the hell I am living is not real. I can't tell you for how many years I went on knowing in my mind I really had a problem with food but would not every truly come to terms with the problem I had.

Right now the biggest problem is the problem I am having with handling the moments I am overwhelmed. I can be doing great for a long time but it will take one single thing to trigger that feeling. In some ways I look at eveyrthing and it reminds me of him. It is sort of like when you are trying to kick that addiction. You keep coming back and doing it all over again. For me I replay his death in my mind over and over again, which sends me on a spiaral of emotions or I think of the things he isn't here to do with us. Now every part of me knows I cannot change what has happened but I keep finding myself back to square one.

For the years I struggled with my weight and even now years later, I find myself still having trouble fitting my addicion. It gets hard and you want to do what you are comfortable with rather then what is hard. I would go through periods of weight loss but eventually would revert to my old ways. If I fell down, I would feel guilty and then be so upset with myself that it just gave me more of a reason to eat again. I had already failed once what makes the difference. I guess in comparison it is like the times I feel like I should be happy and just can't feel happy and all the guilt that comes with it all.

The spouse of the addict has their own set of emotions. They have the moments of understanding and then others of pure anger and rage inside. They just want the life they knew back again yet know they will never have it. You tear yourself appart inside just trying to cope. You accept things in small incriments so that the chaos your life has become just doesn't even seem familiar and the place you had started seemes so far away. If and when the person you love does go away, that very day is the hardest day of your life and then, even once the person is home, you are still left to learn to live that new "normal". Yes it can be for the good but at the time it is hapening, it dosn't feel that way and is so hard to do. If kids are involved you feel responsible for them and put their needs before your own and can even find yourself lost in their needs. This is kind of like what happens when you loose your child and the feelings that you have towards God and yourself.

My addiction happenes to be some of the hardest to give up. Food you need to actually survive so you cannot just stop becaus it will kill you. Other things you don't "Need" to live. My love for my son was just like my food addiction, something you can't live without. I have to find a way to balance that love so that I can live again. It is so hard to do that but in the end I know God will help me through this as he has with everything else in my life. Right now it feels as if I will never be able to find a way to make that happen but I have been down this road many times in many ways so I know I am able to do it with God's help. Every night I pray for strength to go on and to find peace in everything. I've had sheer moments of peace so I know that it is just a matter of time where I will be able to walk along side God rather then having him carry me. Yet I also know that right now that is what he needs to do. THat is like the time you finally realize you have a problem and need to seek the help of others and put your faith in the fact you know you can do it but it is going to take time.

God has a greater plan, I am sure of that. I am just in need of his guidance as he helps me to overcome my addicion. I thought that my addiction to food was bad, but I know the addiction to the love my son showed me is much greater. It is going to be an on going life long addiction and that is why it is so hard.