God is Good

Today was a good day...wow, I never thought I would say that. We sent out our thank you notes earlier this week. It took so much for me to get the energy and to get past my grief to be able to do this. We had so much love and support that I just could not go without sending them. We got some beautiful cards made up from Costco and I bought an extra pack of blank cards in case I ran out of the photo cards and to also use for people I just wanted to write something to who went above and beyond to help us out.

One of the cards we had recieved was from the ER where George died. I cannot tell you how much they were touched by him and our family so I just felt the need to send them a small care package. It had some cards from his service and a few pins for the nurses who were there when George was baptized. I also added in some literature about Mito. No matter what his cause of death is, I realized how uninformed and unprepared they are to handle someone with the disease. Should Josh or Michael ever need to go they would just be unequipt to handle it. They were so lost and asking me what they needed to do because they didn't know and I just felt so helpless and so did they.

I do not fault them for not knowing, they cannot be expected to know everything. In an age where people are sue happy, they are even afraid to ask questions to make it seem as if they don't know. Money will never bring my son back so I would rather take the time to educate them to hopefully save someone else the chaos and pain we felt the day he was brought into their ER. Never did I expect to honestly hear back from the woman that I sent the package to.

Today I got a phone call from her thanking me for taking the time to do that and to let me know how much they appreciate it. I told her my concern for education and she was absolutely on board with me. She asked me to see if Ken, the boys old ped would work with us so we could make it an inservice. I've got an email into him to inqure about it. Should this work out, I want to look into reaching out to other local hospitals. I cannot change the world or educate everyone but it has to start somewhere. With the hospital willing to work with me, I feel as if my little boys life has so much more meaning then I even thought it did before.

Please pray for us and this project of mine. I know that God will lead me if this is where he wants me to be.

Beautiful Weather

The past two days have just been beautiful outside. It has just been wonderful for the little boys since this is their time of year. Heat tolerance is a huge issue for them both so it has been so nice to not have to run after them with cooling vests and worry about their temps rising. Michael has already started with the red cheeks even in 64 degree weather! They have been outside the moment the can drag Hugh or I out the door.

It brings much joy but also some sadness. I always thought I would be able to take George outside on days like these and go for walks. It just saddens me to know he never got to see my favorite time of the year. Hugh and I had bought him a new stroller just to be able to be out and about on days like today. He barely used the car seat that went with the stroller and if we used the stroller once or twice we were lucky! It makes my heart happy to see the boys enjoying themselves but also makes me realize that missing part that will forever be missing.

Hugh and I have began to plan the memorial garden for George. We want the plants to be able to come back each year so we are not having to constantly replant things. His little corner of our yard will have lots of yellow, white, and orange flowers in it. I bought a few bulbs at Walmart the other day to start us off. His stone came in a while ago(it is just beautiful) and I have one angel statue. I found a beautiful fountain that we want to put in the center with his stone. It is going to be beautiful and a place we can go to and find peace and feel close to him.

The past two nights I have been having dreams of him. For a while I wasn't having any with him in it and it was quite disappointing. Going to sleep just brought anxiety because I would wake up and have a panic attack just around the time we found him. I still have them randomly but they are getting fewer and further between. Now sleep brings me close to him. I can hold him in my dreams and be his mommy. I can kiss him and hug him. It is only temporary but it is so real and for that time I have total peace. I see his face in my mind so vividly and it is as if I am really holding him. Daylight comes and I wake to my new reality but am so grateful for the moments of sleep where I can escape the hell of not having him here.

Today I had to bad moments from really stupid things that triggered them. I was in a cleaning mood with the weather being so nice and having not cleaned since he died. There is so much that has to be done but I have found it hard to have the energy or desire to do any of it. My goal was to clean the kitchen. I started to work on it and as i was going through the refrigerator I found a half eaten jar of baby food tucked in the way back corner. I just sat there and cried. Who would have ever thought a stupid jar of baby food would make you cry like that.

My other experience today was tonight. I was taking a shower and getting my pajamas on. On the sink was his bottle of baby shampoo. Earlier in the week I had cleaned hte bathroom and put all of that stuff away. I knew it was still under the sink but to find it partially empty on the sink just did me in. Hugh had ran out of the little boys regular stuff and forgot to tell me so he just used the baby's stuff. It just made me so sad. I just miss him so much.

A little while ago I got an email from a woman who came into our lives when we did Joshua's first fundraiser. Her granddaughter had been diagnosed with Mito and she read the article in the newspaper about Josh and got a hold of me. Since then we have still kept in touch. Her granddaughter has always had a lot of complications. She was so dumbfounded when she met with us and saw my kids running all over the place when that was not her experience with the disease. I have thought a lot about them over the past few weeks especially since her granddaughters disease is progressing and I know they hold their breath every single day.

Recently her daughter was also diagnosed with the disease. My heart goes out to them all. They all knew in their hearts that she had it too but seeing it in black and white is just something that takes your breath away. I remember the day I got Josh's results in the mail and how I just cried even though I knew that was what was going to come back. You just can't prepare for that moment. It is kind of like when you get the disease diagnosis, you know the worst case scenario and try to prepare for it. I can honestly say, we have lived the worst case scenario(death) and you can never prepare for any of it. My heart goes out to their family as they mourn their dream of the lives they had planned for themselves and one another. May God give them all the strength they need while they go through this road set before them.

Tomorrow night Hugh is finally going out to try and relax with a friend of his. I am so glad he is going out. He really needs and deserves it. I am so lucky to have him in my life and I thank God for him every day. He is such a wonderful husband and father. We have our moments just like anyone else does but each one of them brings us closer in the end even if temporary we distanced ourselves. For many couples, they find themselves pulling appart from one another when they go through something like this. Fortunately, we are doing the opposite. Just when I think we cannot get any closer or have a better relationship, something proves me wrong. We are both hurting terribly but we are also both very strong and draw from one anthers strengths where we are weak. God truly blessed me the day he put Hugh in my life and I thank him for that every single day. I can't immagine where I would be without him.

Happy Birthday Opa!

Today would have been my grandfathers birthday if he were still alive. I have yet to figure out if you age in heaven or not but just in case...Happy Birthday Opa. I remember when he died and later found we were going to have a little boy. There was nothing that made me second guess naming George after him. I was lucky to have taken care of him at the end of his life and got to know him on a much more personal level then anyone else did.

My grandfather was no saint by any means. He had a tough life and made some extremely poor choices. Once he had come to realize his indiscressions, he eventually found his faith. His belife in God was amazing and he was never afraid to die. I was always profoundly touched by that very fact. He had also been through so much and at the end of his life proved that no matter what you do in your life that we all have a chance to know God's love and forgiveness. I beleive that God used my boys to show him that very thing as we walked him that last road home that last month of his life. I was so lucky to have been able to know him like I did. George was named after a man who struggled through life and knew many hardships and overcame poor choices to at the end of his life know God in such an intimate way. I remember crying when I found out George was a boy but not because he was a boy but becuase my grandfather was not here to see the great grandchild that shared his name. THe irony is that now they are together much sooner then I ever thought they would be.

Today was an ok day. I did accomplish quite a bit so it was good in terms of productivity. All of the laundry got done except for the one load in the dryer right now. It has been a long time since I can say I was able to do that. While I was doing laundry I began to put things away in the laundry room. I happened to come across two pillows I had washed. One of them smelled like George and I don't know how in the world that was possible since he didn't really use it and it had been washed. It was so odd, I picked it up and then was taken back by the immediate trail of memories that flooded my mind. I debated if I should tell Hugh but I took the pillow up to him and he just held it and the two of us cried knowing how much we both missed him.

I finally finished addressing and labeling all the thank you notes from his service. That was a huge feat because it just takes so much emotionaly to be able to do that. We wound up sending a lot of cards because we could not remember who really sent what in terms of gifts and food. Those days just seem like a huge blur other then the really bad parts which we can reccolect every second of. Even looking back at the service, we noticed people we didn't even realize were there the day of. It is amazing how you can remember parts of it but others are just totally blank. I'm sure that everyone will understand and if we missed anyone they won't be upset about it because we appreciated everything everyone has done for us. We were so blessed to have so many people come to support us through it all.

The other thing I was able to accomplish was starting the process for the records request. I want to get copies of his records from the hospital. Every facility is different so I contacted them via email to find out their policy. I had to call the actual hospital and they are sending me a realease form. There are apparently 18 pages from that day. They charge you a dollar a piece for each page. It will be hard to get them in the mail but I know it is something I need to do. We are still waiting on a finalized autopsy report since it is still pending toxicology reports.

Our weekly phone call from the SIDS foundation did not happen today. I am kind of glad but then again they will probably know before we do about the finalized report. The very fact that they get that information before we do just makes me so mad. We didn't even ask for them to be involved and yet they can get the information and they don't evne know us. Hugh and I are greatful that they care and that there are people out there to support us like that but the whole process is very upsetting. We understand protocol and all of that but it is sad to think that you have to go through this and it is made worse by the time it takes and all of those who wind up being involved without your consent. You just feel very violated.
We will be greatful when this part of it is over.

I think this waiting just makes it all so much more difficult. Somehow you are left in limbo and can't really go forward until you have that finalization. We are all doing a little more each day dispite the huge effort it truly takes to be able to do just that. Our faith has not waivered but has rather gotten stronger dispite everything that has happened. Saying that doesn't mean that we aren't mad and upset at God for what he has chosen to do but I think that is part of it all. It is kind of like being mad at your parents for things they did that you didn't like as a kid. As an adult you can look back and realize why your parents did what they did but at the time it was happening you were just mad and upset with the entier situation.

I know that in time things will work out but right now it is as if it will last forever. years ago when Richard's dad went to prison, i thought that I would never get through that. My world had been turned upside down. Every time I would hear a car door slam, I would panic thinking it was the FBI. Now whenever there is a big commotion in the house I start a panic attack. I will be downstairs and Hugh will begin to walk with a heavy foot or run after the kids or raise his voice and panic just takes over. I know from my previoius experience that in time it will subside but for the time being it is just so overwhelming. I know God will not lead me to a place where there is not outlet or a place where he will not walk with me. When those really bad moments come and I am mad at him, I also find comfort in him. I hope to someday understand all of this but for now I hope to just get through the days as best as I can.

Addicted

The past few days have just been very hard and I don't really know why. Today we went to visit Hugh's brother and his family. It was such an awsome day for all the kids and both Hugh and I. We both really needed the day out. On the way home the little boys fell asleep and I just started to cry. It made me think of how George never got to take that trip to Uncle Glenn and Aunt Ellen's house to play with the boys. He would have been sitting back there with his brothers sound asleep on the way home and suddenly our filled mini van just felt empty.

Many thoughts have rolled through my mind these past few days. The rain has always affected my mood and ironically George was the only one who could make me smile. Rainy days became our day to cuddle and laugh, something I had missed in my life until he came into. Somehow he showed me that the rain brought life. It took me until now to realize that is what he was for me and so many other people. The saddness of loosing him has changed so many and made people go from the mundaine day to day stuff to actually living. It is like that break of sun that comes through the clouds after it rains.

I have to say that I am not yet at the point where I am living. Ever ounce of who I am still mourns the loss of my little monkey. The smile on my face is plastered there hoping that keeping it there, will one day lead to it staying and me actually meaning it. All of this has lead me to think about grief and how in the worst way you want to just be through it and done with it all. The sadness that fills your heart you yearn to purge from your existence yet somehow you just can't do that. You want the pain to go away and would rather have been ran over by a truck then feel the pain of your heart being shattered into a million pieces as you scramble to try and figure out how to put that puzzle of a million pieces back together.

Tonight I realized that the whole grief process is sort of like that of an addict. If you have ever been addicted to anything you will understnad once I begin to explain. I am an addict to food and have been my whole life. It was not until I had a gastric bypass almost 11 years ago was I finally able to loose the weight. Many family members of mine have had addictions to alcohol and drugs. I was also on the flip side of the coin when I was the spouse of an addict. Fortunately, or unfortunately, it has given me a greater perspective on life in general.

Now how does that relate to the loss of my angel? I was addicted to my child. I was addicted to his smile, his laugh, his smell, and the very joy that he brought to me. Whenever I was feeling bad I could go in his room and pick him up and cuddle him. We would do lots of stuff but anything that made the kids happy because their happiness just brought us more happiness for we knew and understood the innocence of that joy and how very pure it was. Somehow children have a pure understnading of life and just see it in a different way then we do and teach us how to live life in their own way. No matter how sad or upset I was with life, George was the very thing that brought joy to my life.

Every day since he died it has been like quitting cold turkey. There was nothing to prepare us or help us through this horrible loss. Well, at least that is how it feels in our minds at times. The loss of a child is something that is difficult to exlain to others so you feel very alienated a good portion of the time. Any addict will tell you, they too feel that way. Many times I would feel that way as I watched thin girls who were not very nice get the guys in school and they could eat whatever they wanted and never struggled like I did.

I remeber being overweight and sneeking to the bathroom to eat so no one would know I was doing it. When I put on a happy face and then go to my room to cry, that is how I feel when trying to cope with the loss of my little boys beautiful smile. On the outside you look fine to everyone else and put on that front so no one will know that you are dying inside. Every part of you wants to do better but you just feel as if you can't but there is no way you will let anyone know that inside you are truly week.

There are the moments of denial. I cant tell you how many times I have gotten up to think about how I was going to do something with George. Suddenly, I am hit with the hard reality that it was just my hopefullness that he was still here or the fact I just forgot for that moment. I still look at his picture and wonder was he real? His urn sits on my fireplace and has his name and date of birth and death on it and rationally I know the remains of his body are there but in my mind it is as if the hell I am living is not real. I can't tell you for how many years I went on knowing in my mind I really had a problem with food but would not every truly come to terms with the problem I had.

Right now the biggest problem is the problem I am having with handling the moments I am overwhelmed. I can be doing great for a long time but it will take one single thing to trigger that feeling. In some ways I look at eveyrthing and it reminds me of him. It is sort of like when you are trying to kick that addiction. You keep coming back and doing it all over again. For me I replay his death in my mind over and over again, which sends me on a spiaral of emotions or I think of the things he isn't here to do with us. Now every part of me knows I cannot change what has happened but I keep finding myself back to square one.

For the years I struggled with my weight and even now years later, I find myself still having trouble fitting my addicion. It gets hard and you want to do what you are comfortable with rather then what is hard. I would go through periods of weight loss but eventually would revert to my old ways. If I fell down, I would feel guilty and then be so upset with myself that it just gave me more of a reason to eat again. I had already failed once what makes the difference. I guess in comparison it is like the times I feel like I should be happy and just can't feel happy and all the guilt that comes with it all.

The spouse of the addict has their own set of emotions. They have the moments of understanding and then others of pure anger and rage inside. They just want the life they knew back again yet know they will never have it. You tear yourself appart inside just trying to cope. You accept things in small incriments so that the chaos your life has become just doesn't even seem familiar and the place you had started seemes so far away. If and when the person you love does go away, that very day is the hardest day of your life and then, even once the person is home, you are still left to learn to live that new "normal". Yes it can be for the good but at the time it is hapening, it dosn't feel that way and is so hard to do. If kids are involved you feel responsible for them and put their needs before your own and can even find yourself lost in their needs. This is kind of like what happens when you loose your child and the feelings that you have towards God and yourself.

My addiction happenes to be some of the hardest to give up. Food you need to actually survive so you cannot just stop becaus it will kill you. Other things you don't "Need" to live. My love for my son was just like my food addiction, something you can't live without. I have to find a way to balance that love so that I can live again. It is so hard to do that but in the end I know God will help me through this as he has with everything else in my life. Right now it feels as if I will never be able to find a way to make that happen but I have been down this road many times in many ways so I know I am able to do it with God's help. Every night I pray for strength to go on and to find peace in everything. I've had sheer moments of peace so I know that it is just a matter of time where I will be able to walk along side God rather then having him carry me. Yet I also know that right now that is what he needs to do. THat is like the time you finally realize you have a problem and need to seek the help of others and put your faith in the fact you know you can do it but it is going to take time.

God has a greater plan, I am sure of that. I am just in need of his guidance as he helps me to overcome my addicion. I thought that my addiction to food was bad, but I know the addiction to the love my son showed me is much greater. It is going to be an on going life long addiction and that is why it is so hard.

6 Weeks

It has been six weeks since George left this Earth. We have been on a roller coaster from the very beginning that has had its high points and low points. I've come to hate Friday's but I have been trying to think of a better way to handle them. I cannot change the fact that my son is dead but I can change how I look at it. Friday's are particularly difficult so I have really been trying hard to find a better way to cope with them.

My younger sister text messaged me this morning saying how she wishes she could wipe Friday from the calendar and boy do I know that feeling. Then I thought about it. Although I am sad that I lost him that day, I guess I can try to look at it as a day of celebration. It was the day that my son got eternal life and that he met the Lord. I don't know how I could be sad about that other then the fact that I miss him. The fact has ran over and over in my head over the past few weeks also that we celebrate Jesus' death on a Friday also, Good Friday. This year, that day will have all new meaning to me.

There is a beautiful song that is sang by Brad Paisley and Sarah Evans. The song is titled New again and it was used in George's photo montage. I've always had a love for this song from the moment I heard it. It is Jesus and his mother having this conversation. She is sad and he is comforting her as he is dying and telling her to not me sad. He tells her things must me that way and that it will all be new again. The very thought of that is so powerful to me and the meaning of the song has hit home very close lately.

This morning I did get up with an odd urge to look some things up. I don't know what made me do it because I have not looked at stuff in a while, in reguard to the kids medical records otehr then last week just to count the days of their birth and first symptoms. Today I got up and had a need to look at thier shot records. Knowing that Josh and George were the same age to the day when they had their issues, it made me ponder what was similar in that timefram for the two of them.

The one thing that came to mind happened to be their vaccines. For a long time there has been much controversy over vaccines and causes of many disorders and problems children have. I've always been one to vaccinate my kids but have known that they are predisposed to have issues. Little did I realize that it could have been the very thing that caused thier problems to come to fruition. Some people are just hereditarily predisposed to have problems with them. With Richard still coming back without any issues through the mouth swab, it has made me wonder where in the world the problem lies.

To make a long story short, both George and Josh were 17 days from having their vaccine. It was one in particular DPT. This vaccine has been linked to severe neurological issues and even death. It is actually the pertusus in it and it is only 50-90% effective even if you do get it. I have read the iterature on it many times since I use to work in a peds office but never has it occured to me until now that it could have attributed to the boys medical problems. I remember Michael getting his and how he could not walk for almost a week after getting it. It can cause seizures and all sorts of other problems, even breathing(always a huge concern for me with George)! My documents are reliable and there is just way to much coincidence for there not to be a common link here somewhere.

There was a family who was gaining national recognition a few years back about vaccine damage. The father was a doctor and they had given their daughter her vaccines and she had a horrible reaction and had also been diagnosed with Mitochondrial dysfunction. There has been a lot of controversy over this but also has been the backbone of research and hereditary predisposition for those getting vaccines. It is something that I will look further into and consider should we have another child. There is a lot to be said in this reguard but there is more for me to look into as time goes on. I guess right now I am just in limbo and have to get his autopsy results still.

Greatful

I cannot tell you how greatful I am for my faith in God. Yesterday was such a difficult day for me. Much of the day I walked through the motions of a day. I helped a friend of our family with paperwork at the county building, played with the kids outside, went to my mom's house, and came home to sit with Hugh. In the back of my mind all day all I kept thinking was how much I just wanted the day to be over!

Dispite my yearning for the day to be over, God let me know he was there with me. The morning brought a trip to help a friend of our family fill out paperwork for her husband to get medicaid now that he was going to be in a nursing home. She is years older then I am but our lives have many similarities. She lost a son before she ever anticipated, and I just had the opportunity to know God was working through me as he was working through her in my life. It was just a great opportunity and I feel blessed to have been able to do that, I think we both needed that. It kept my mind busy for the morning and although I was talking about George and loosing him, I was not sad but rather greatful for the gift of his life and could feel God's presence.

The afternoon brought several trips outdoors to play with the boys. This is their time of year because they don't have to worry about the heat or the cold. Since the weather has broken a little they have been out every day for long periods of time. It was great to see them able to be kids and to have no cares in the world. That is such a blessing. There were times I would almost cry as I thought about how we had planned to have George with us doing these things too. Somewehre in my sadness I would find joy for the laughter of the boys and knew that although he was not here in physical form, he was there in spirit. The sun would hit my face randomly with the warmest beams and I knew it was God letting me know that the sun will shine again in our lives and that he was there.

I had taken the kids to my mom's house. It has been a while since I have been there. For me, I find it hard to keep it together and find comfort being at home among his things and I don't know why. I know my family loves me and wants to be there but I just don't know how to have a grasp on all of this and find it hard to be around other people at times. I watched as Josh pushed an empty baby stroller that he eventually put a stuffed animal in. It just made me want to cry the entire time. A song came on that has always touched my heart and there were times that tears streamed silently from my eyes and my heart ached so bad.

I was greatful to have had the time but also greatful to finally go home. We got the boys to go to bed. Hugh and I had planned to watch American Idol together but missed a good portion of it. I heard the one song Smile and knew it was meant for me. Right before that, I just burst into tears. Hugh was goofing around and bit my chin playing around without realizing that George use to do that to me all the time. I would hold him and play with him and as soon as he could get a grasp he would grab my face and use my chin as a chew toy. I was the only one he would do that with and I just could no longer hold the sadness building up inside all day. He felt horrible and then the two of us just held one another crying. I heard that song and knew it was God letting me know he understood what I was going through.

Somehow in all of the saddness, I found the strength to finally sit down and write a few thank you notes I had been putting off. We also ordered some general thank you notes from Costco this morning. These were things I needed to do but just haven't been able to do. I awoke this morning to find myself full of spirit dispite the pain I feel inside. The boys social worker came today and we were able to talk and I showed him moments of the service and the memorial photo montage that had been put together for us.

Hugh and I decided we are ready to begin figuring out what we want to do with his things and his room. It has sat empty since he left us that morning with a few moments where we put things from the service there or went in to feel closer to him. THe curtains have been shut and it has been dark, like our lives have felt since he left us that day. We finally opened the curtains and the little boys went in and were playing in there and saying how they missed him. I made each of the boys a little wooden monkey with a card from George's service so they could carry him in thier pockets. I began to put together little packages to send to those who were brought into our lives that day and will remain forever in our hearts. We want to let the hospital staff, EMT's, and police officers know how much we appreciated all they did dispite the outcome.

I have spent a good portion of the morning looking at his service video and the photo tribute on the tv. It has just touched my heart and I feel so much closer to him and know that he was such a gift. So many things have come out of his life and death and although we are hurting because we have lost him, we know he had such a great purpose and we thank God for that. I miss him terribly but somehow find solice in him having such a wonderful purpose her on Earth. The pain will never go away but it is eased to an extent knowing how great of a gift it was and a blessing he was to us for the short amount of time and that in the end the overwhelming feeling that has come from knowing God in a more intimate way. I know now what sacrifice it was for him to send his son and for Mary to watch as he was taken from her knowing that it was for the greater good. Their hearts hurt as ours do and I know can say I know first hand the pain which gives me a greater understanding of my own faith. We are not walking this road alone for God knows our pain and is with us every moment even in our greatest dispair.

6 Months Old

Today George would have been 6 months old. My heart just breaks at the very thought. I had looked so forward to this day and I can't even tell you why. It was not significant for any reason with any of the other boys so I can't say why it was significant with him. Maybe it is the fact that I knew in the back of my mind, he was not going to see this day. I remember telling my sister a few months ago that I knew I was going to loose one of my children and I didn't know how or when but I thought that it would be George. She asked me why, I told her I wasn't sure, but because I was closest with him. It just kills me to know I was right.

The past few days have just been horrible for me. I can't tell you why, nothing has really changed at all but I have been missing him terribly. The memory of his smile and laugh and the special bond we had just keeps playing through my head making my heart hurt even more. I've waded through the tons of pictures I have of him and smile and cry with everyone of them. I am so greatful that I took so many of them.

I think the overwhelming reality of it all has truly sunk in. The fact that I will never hold him again and see him or watch him make those milestones is just all so real. The toys in his room will never be blessed with his presence. The only thing I am left with are his memories and a his things here on earth. It just hurts to look at them sometimes and to just know that he will never be here with us again.

I've gone through moments of anger. How in the world could God take my son who was so loved? I've watched as people I know give their kids away with no reguard for their welfare. It kills me to watch them being used as pawns to manipulate the system and know that their parents could just give them away without caring. Why couldn't he have taken one of those children? That is not to say that I believe they should be gone but I just don't understand the fairness in it all. I know life is not fair but seeing something like this just makes loosing my little boy so much harder to cope with.

Hugh has also had a rough time this past week. There is just so much going on and trying to wrap your head around it all can just make it all so difficult and overwhelming. We were talking yesterday about the irony of everything. For us the hard things have been easy and the things that are easy have been hard. Going to the listening to them pronounce him dead, going to the funeral home, making plans for his service, and having the service were the easy things. You knew you owed it to him to keep it together and to get through it, you also didn't have much of a choice in the matter, it had to be done. It is the day to day living that is the hardest thing ever to live with.

We watched our little boy every single day and spent every waking moment with him that we possibly could. Hugh being out of work gave him time he never had with any of the kids and now that time is empty. How do you fill those voids in your life? How do you go to the store and not cry in the middle of the isle or walk through as looking at things rips your heart out all over again? How do you go from the crowds of people that were there in the beginning to the now incomplete family you are left with? How do you cope with the fact that this is going to be how it is every single day of the rest of your life? The worst is knowing that you will never have the answers and yet you have to accept it as it is and move on somehow. We just have not figured out how to do that yet.

I got an email from work the other day and it took me several days to get back to them. They have beeen wonderful but wanted to know what I want to do. Honestly, I have no idea but I do know I can't work right now. There is no way in the world that I can possibly do that right now. I'm so greatful that they understand dispite the fact I have no idea how we are going to pay the bills. I find it funny how I really don't even care about the last part of it right now. So many nights I would go to bed worrying about making ends meet and know I just cry not caring and only wishing my little boy was not gone and praying for an end to this ceaseless pain.

It isn't as if every single moment of every single day is bad but all of them are hard. Something simple can trigger a really bad moment without any warning. You could have been fine all day long and then come across a sock or see a picture or just have a memory. They take you by surprise and they are just terrible. There is no way to explain the sort of life we lead right now. We keep it together for the kids and move on because we know we must but not because we want to.