It has been three very long weeks since our sweet boy earned his wings. My heart breaks every single day because I miss him so much. Dispite how much I hurt, I know he had a greater purpose here on Earth. His little life had so much meaning and as the days go by the plan begins to unfold to the plan that had been laid long before we ever knew.
Today was a tough day for me as Fridays use to be so great for me, they now mark the day I lost my baby so I can say I don't particularly look forward to them like I use to. It meant that I got to spend time for him once my hours were done an now it just makes me sad to think the day I looked forward to has become the day I dread. In time I know a lot of these feelings will subside but for now they just are hard.
We went to Costco today. It was nice to get out of the house. Most of the day I had it pretty together. Each day seems to bring a little less in terms of tears and a little more of coping on my part. It was hard when I went to Costco though. I was fine until we got to a part where they have clothing and someone had held up these one piece spring baby boy outfits. That of course just hit me very hard as I thought how I loved those and swore that was all I was going to get George. The thought that I just would never be able to do that just tugged at my heart and I found myself trying my hardest not to cry in the middle of the store. Many people have told me that I will have moments like that but this was the first out of the blue moment I have had.
Richard had a rough moment tonight. I came home from my mom's and found him on the couch. Hugh was rubbing his back and when I asked what happened, he told me that he was having a George moment. With that I sat down and hugged him and told him we would get through it all together. We then sat down and talked about how we were lucky to have George and how lucky Richard was that he would remember him and knew how much George loved him.
I think we are all just going to have these moments. Together we can get through this and it is just going to take some time for all of us. The little boys are each having their own ways of dealing. Michael has become very clingy, especially with Hugh. Josh has become very moody and cries at the drop of a hat. I wish there was a way for me to explain things to them all but I don't think that is even possible when I just don't always get it all myself. In some ways I am glad they are young and in others I wish they were older. Then again, Richard is older and it is no easier trying to help him cope.
As each day passes, I don't miss him any less, I just think I've found a way to know that I cannot look back but have to look forward. We happened to watch the movie Meet the Robbinson's tonight with the kids. They had a part that was an extra that went over that very fact. The whole thing they keep saying in the move is to keep moving forward. We have watched that movie a million times but it has never meant more to me then it does now.
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