Signs

As hard as it has been to get up and function every day, each day has brought some sign that out little angel is still with us and makes it a little easier to get up in the morning. Yesterday, I happened to be getting ready to take a shower and as I grabbed my towel, I saw the monkey tail from his halloween costume stuck to it. The towel was on the floor in my room and Hugh said it was in a pair of sweat pants that he had on last week. I have had a rough couple of days and I am sure it was my monkey's way of letting me know he was ok.

Today in the mail we got a certificate saying someone had adopted a gorilla in Africa with the name Charles(George's middle name) in George's honor. I just about cried when I saw it. It meant so much to me and I can't even tell you why. Sometimes it is the smallest things that touch you profoundly.

The detective from our local police department came to get my statement. It was very difficult for me to do. I was able to tell him about some of my concerns with George that had bothered me and I had brought to the attention of doctors. He told me that as of now they are just waiting on toxocology reports but that could still be several more weeks. It is pure torture to have to wait when in fact I know that they will find nothing. I think the hardest part is just not knowing why. There were many things that could have happened to him due to the issues he was having. I was glad to finally have the questioning done with and something I no longer have to worry about.

Yesterday I talked to Michael's OT. She had lost a child at about a month old to some medical complications. She was a great help to let me know that what I am feeling and going through is very normal. Her son would have been 5 years old an they still celebrate his birthday and do things as a family to remember him. She understood the problems with the boys not understanding since her son was older and had some of the same issues. She said she was surprised that I was doing as well as I was and that even though time will pass, it won't be easy but we will cope better. Still 5 years later, she talks about her son and still cries when she talkes about him.

Hugh and I put the picture of George that we had at the service up on the wall. We miss him so much and I think we just need to look at him. I've been pulling his clothes out of the laundry and putting them in bags to hold onto until we decide what we want to do with them. We don't know if we want to have more kids or not but we know for sure that we are just not ready to get rid of anything of his. The two of us have always wanted a large family but this has surely made the thought of more kids difficult for us. I think we are both very gun shy with it all.

It is very early to make a decision either way but we have already been asked by many people if we plan to have more children or not. I do have to say, it is very empty around here without George. It was hard getting use to having 4 kids but now it is even harder getting use to having 3. We were in a routine and truly miss the whole baby thing. George will never be replaced by any means but we just have a hard time picturing our lives without a little one around here.

I do want to go out and get a scrapbook for all the pictures we had on the posterboards at the service. It will be a nice memento to put together and help is to remember him througout the years. There were so many awsome things about George that I miss terribly. He was such a wonderful little boy and that is what makes his loss so very difficult to deal with.

I've spent a lot of time alone sinde his service ended. I think it is time I have needed to get myself together and make some assemblance of our new life. There have been times I just sob uncontrollably and other times where I have been mad, try to come up with what if's and so many other htings that are very natural to this process. I knwo it has been hard on those around me to watch me do this because this is not typically how I operate. Right now though, this is what I need to do. I sit and pray and ask God for strength and guidance. The very thought of just getting up in the morning has become a struggle but there is that voice that tells me life goes on an I need to be a part of it. I keep replaying the line...it is then that I carried you. That is so true and I am greatful for my faith and those around me who are supporting Hugh and I every step of the way. There is nothing more difficult in a person's life then walking this path. It is unknown territory that is met with many ups and downs. Please keep us in your prayers, we can use them all.