Another Day

Today was another tough day for me. I did spend some more time upstairs with the boys but I am just having a tough time trying to figure out how to be mommy and also get through all of my feelings right now. I'm greatful that Hugh and I griev differently because it does make it easier so I can find my alone time while he gets his much needed boy time.

In some ways it is like the baby is still here. I feel like I will hear him cry or that I need to be taking care of him. It is just hard when I realize that it isn't going to ever happen again. That makes me want to cry. I am sure that as time goes on, we will learn to handle it better but for right now it is just very difficult.

Hugh and I went to a friends house for dinner tonight. I really did not feel up to going but I went just to get out. I could not get my mind off of the baby and the awful feelings I have rolling around inside of me. We had a good time but it was just a wierd experience for me.

I find it odd that a little boy who was only 4 months old could have that big of an impact on a person. I knew him longer then most though because I carried him for 9 months. I'm not sure if that is why this is as hard as it is for me to cope with.

My mom has been trying to help in her own way. I know it is hard for her to see me so upset but I don't know how to not be upset at this point in time, he was my son. In some odd way being by myself is helping me to cope. I've always been a loner and have dealt with a lot of hard things on my own curled up in bed until I can really get a grasp on them. So many people want to help take the pain but this is just going to be one cross we will have to carry on our own.