Baby Steps

Today I decided I wanted to dismantal the posters from the service. I went to Walmart and picked up two photo albums that will fit in his memory box I have started to keep. It was odd being in the store. I remember when I actually liked to shop and now, I really don't want to do it at all. It is as if everyone elses lifes are not in shambles and the whole world is moving without me in it. I know in reality, that really isn't the way it is but that is how it feels when this sort of thing happens.

Hugh went to his mom's to help her, Josh and Richard were at school, and Michael went with Hugh. I went into the baby's room and began to take all the pictures off the boards. It was such a wierd experience. I organized them all and put them into their places in the photo albums I picked upt. There were left over stickers from when we made the boards so I began to put them through out the album. I don't know if I was happy or sad to be doing it but I knew I needed to do it. There is still some more to do but I had to take a break from it all for a while.

I got an email from a friend of mine who lost her daughter. In it she told me that the whole grief process could take up to two years. I have read that in the literature that has been sent to me by the SIDS foundation and the UMDF. The thought of that is just so overwhelming. I didn't even have him in my life for that long and I can't immagine being sad like this for that long. Knowing that it is a real possibility just makes me feel exhausted and overwhelmed. I am still trying to live life but right now it is the very basics. We have contiuned the other boys doc visits and school things but other then that there is not much left of me to give.

I find that most of the day I am ok until something hits me or it was a time that I spent with him. I was fine until tonight when I knew I would be playing with him. My life just now feels so empty. I could not immagine my life with him in it and now it is so empty without him. It is such a confusing feeling and a very lost feeling. After my shower I walked into his room and looked at his empty bed wishing he was still here. I ran my hand across the spot he always slept and sat there wondering what went wrong. Why was my perfect little boy gone?

The odd part is that I have a wierd sort of peace about him being gone. I know he is ok. I'm just sad for myself and I miss him terribly. I'm sad for the boys and my whole family who is now here not knowing what to do. No one in my family has ever lost a child, as many of us as there are. Very few friends of ours have lost children. This is yet again another lonely road that I have to travel with very little guidance or knowledge as to what to do or how to proceed. I cannot explain the peace that I have inside. The reason I cry is for myself and the pain that loosing him has created in my life and heart.

I find that as each day goes by, I take one more baby step towards finding a way to live life without him in it. Lord knows it will never be the life I knew before. I don't know exactly what it will entail but I know as long as I trust God to lead me it will be ok in the end. My faith remains strong dispite my lack of understanding the purpose of all of this.