Anxiety

4AM came early yet again. I have been having anxiety and panic attacks since all of this has transpired. The doctor gave me medication for it but it is not doing much for these sudden onset moments that I keep waking to. The events of the day he died keep replaying in my head over and over again. It is like a plauge, it starts with one thought and then turns into a million in my head.

So many what if's keep creeping into my mind although I know I cannot change them or bring him back. I wonder if I had gone into his room when I got up with Richard, would he still be here. I opted not to go in so he could stay asleep because if he heard me he would always wake up. I wanted to get done work early that day so that I could finish early and spend the rest of the night with him since I had missed so much time earlier in the week. Instead, I continued on my way to work and never did go in his room dispite the urge to check on him.

THen I go back to the moment it all fell apart and wonder had we called 911 immediately, would there have been a difference. Hugh was in such an uproar and I was trying to do CPR that we were trying to locate the phone and it was just so chaotic. I just kept saying he was dead and crying and trying to do CPR. Once we got 911 on the phone, I realized I was doing adult CPR not pediatric. I was so use to working with aults I forgot in the panic that it was totally different for children. I sat there with him in my lap rather then on the floor. Finally right before the police officer showed up, I realized my error when talking to the woman from 911.

There was a moment when I thought he was coming back to me. The air I had given him came back out but had made noise...little did I realize at that second that it was just the air hitting his vocal chords. All of these things just keep playing over and over in my mind and I have no idea how to stop it all. It is like reliving a nightmare every time you shut your eyes. The smallest thing will trigger these things and there is nothing I can do about them. My heart and head begin to race and hands begin to shake as I wonder would things have beeen different, would he be here? I know I cannot change things now but it does not stop the events from replaying themselves in my head.

I do not know what is worse, loosing him or replaying how we lost him in my mind day after day. Sometime this week I have to go to the police station to give a taped version of what had transpired that day. The very thought of it puts me into another spiral. During the day I find myself with less anxiety about it all but as soon as that time nears for me to go to sleep or the early morning comes when I got up to get Richard off to school, the nightmare is back. I pray that with time this will subside but for right now it is all to real and very hard to deal with. Lord knows, I don't wish this on my worst enemy. It is just pure torture.

Hugh and I are suppose to start grief counseling this week at a local church. I don't know how much this will help but I feel it is at least worth a shot. I've read the literature sent to us by the SIDS foundation and other groups about grief. The odd part is I know the logic in it all since I had done hospice myself as a home health aide before. I just don't know how you actually impliment anything or get past it all to move forward. The logical part does not really help the emotional part of it all. It is a lot easier to say something then it is to do it. I know many people say it doesn't get better but time helps you learn to live with it all. I hope they are right because this is worse then anything I have ever had to deal with in my life.